Thank you.

I know that everyone doesn't know who I'm talking about, but I think it's best that I express how much you meant to me in this particular occasion of the season. Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful for everyone who has walked in and out of my life, but I don't think I have formally stated how much I have dearly loved this special person. Deaths have come here and there, but yours has truly knocked me out. I didn't expect it...and you warned me. I thought you were just saying things.
I was completely living miserably and difficultly when I found out. I locked myself inside my room for a good amount of time until I had to drag myself to the bathroom. & when I went to the bathroom, I would hear the echo of my sobs bouncing in between the walls I limited myself in. I hated that you were gone, and I didn't want you to leave. Not at all.
I would say you were one of the most influential people of my life. I don't think I could've enjoyed life as great as I can without you showing me. & you taught me the basis of everything I needed to know about this world. You have crafted me to be a person that this world can be proud of. I was just really lucky that I had you.
What I remember most wasn't really anything specific. That's really weird for me to say. What I do remember was how I felt when I was with you, which is a mingle of serenity that I won't feel again. I only felt that way with you. I don't ever remember being mad at you, but if I did, it was for the stupidest reasons, and it was a good thing you knew that. You're never mad at me. I don't think you could if you tried. That was just how vast you loved me. I know that now.
I was glad I got the chance to see you every few summers or so when I visited the Philippines. You may have lost weight, and it's probably hard for you to walk, but you loved me just as much as you did since I last saw you. If not, more. & I knew you had to hold yourself from crying when I had to leave every time to return back home, but you were so good at being firm from emotions. Or maybe you're just firm in public. You had to be that way for everyone. Because past everyone's tears, there must be some solid formailty of saying goodbye. I think I'm like that as well. I must've learned that from you. And I'm taking it as a good thing.
But what I always wondered from you was how? How could you possibly love so much? I still can't figure that out.
So here I am. I'm continuing to live life. Living from what you've given me and going on to find a way to make myself as complete as I try to become. It's just that it's hard. It's really hard. And I can't help but keep seeing you sometimes from a faint distance of what the atmosphere makes it be. I believe it's actually you sent from heaven to see how I'm doing. Or maybe it's a little angel watching me from up above for you.
I could go on and on about you. But I think its best to leave it out. I think that coping with death isn't about talking about it, but to live life in a reflection of what they have done for you. I hope I make you proud.
What I wish I could've done? I really wanted to say that I love you one last time. The memories we shared are attained to its highest relevence. I don't regret. But I know you would never forget your granddaughter loving you. But I just thought it was my turn to say it first before you left. But it's alright. It's no one's fault. Life must end at some point. & from what I know, you've ended it with absolute tranquility.
So Lolo, this is me making up for the lost words that weren't spoken. This is me giving myself another chance.

I love you.

Between.

The best thing about life is not when your eyes are open. It's not when you've fallen asleep. It's when you've suddenly closed your eyes before you dream. You've given yourself time to physically rest while you're still mentally conscious enough to think. You probably think about your day and how you wish you had done something or regret what happened within the moments acted upon your daily routine. You feel free from everything and anything, and yet, all you're doing is staying put in one place. You don't move, you don't speak. You can't hurt others. (Yes, even serial killers sleep.) & you can't help others either. But maybe that's for their own good. You're flirting near death, but you know that you'll wake up the next day. How? You just know. And you can't wait to sleep. Everyone likes to sleep. & you will sleep. But then you'll wake up. You don't open your eyes just yet, but you're conscious enough to know that yes, you're you, and that you have another day to fulfill. You're still lying in the same position you've left off when you were about to sleep, but then, you just don't seem to want to stay anymore. Your body is completely numb, and your hair kisses the tips of your fingers. You feel the sun rays warming you through your window, and the sound of your blanket crinking around your feet make you feel like opening your eyes. You stretch from the position you have slept and you yawn to create the sound of satisfaction on which you slumber. Then, you slide your head across your pillow and make the tingle from the chilly sheets softly touch your refreshing face as you check the alarm clock. You suddenly remember everything. You refresh your memory on what makes you happy or sad. You call to mind what you said, what you did, and what you must do. Your opinions and facts start to recollect. Your mind fills you up with such great awareness that you do make yourself have the ability to get up. You don't question this power within yourself. You just do. Before you know it, you're already figuring out what to do with yourself and think about someone's, something's, and somewhere's. Then, you stop. You're standing in front of the mirror of your bathroom. And there you are. You're looking at yourself. But you don't seem to consider yourself anymore important than the used up toothpaste you had spittled down the sink. You're reviving your day with no repeats. New actions, new words spoken. And at the end of the day, you just can't wait to sleep. You're living like this all your life, and you're not alone. & this thought makes me wonder...that there has got to be something more to life. More to live and more to sleep. Maybe God is trying to communicate with me between the state of my senses. Everything to life is in between.