Catching my falling star.

Hoorah. :) I totally didn't remember that I was going to get my braces taken off today, lol. I thought it was going to be on May 31st....not March 31st, even though I DID remind myself I had my LAST appointment on my planner AND probably have mentioned it a few times from others as well. x] Haha, wow. But it's fine by me! ;)

I should be really stressed right now, but I'm more sane than I have been for the past week or two. I'll take it as a good thing?

There's something about this cute little song that gets me, especially today.

Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket,

never let it fade away...

Something about the past.

If there were atleast five things I learned about myself from my past it's this:

• I'm not afraid to be happy. But then again, being happy is the main emotion of my life for the most part. I remember going to the doctor 8/9 years back-ish telling him I haven't cried for 2 years, and he was pretty surprised. He was like," Really....no deaths? Your brother didn't step on your favorite toy? Your mom wouldn't let you get another cookie? Never got dumped?" & I ended up laughing at him for the longgggest time. I responded to him that deaths are like birthdays when going to heaven, so really, they're alot happier, and if they're happy, I'm happy. Thinking about it now, I was pretty optimistic as a kid. My brother sure did step on my toys, but then again, I stepped on his as well. It wasn't something worth crying about by any means. I wasn't all interested with cookies. I liked singing to customers while riding the shopping carts and did a mini "concert" for everyone. lol And boys? They still had cooties. My doctor couldn't stop from smiling at my response ( I thought I was being "oh-so" intellectual which was a pretty cute thing to be when I was a kid) when he wrote on my percription slip that I must "watch the Lion King and make sure Ressa cries when Mufasa died." Lol, my mother was pretty amused when she read it. But sure enough, we definitely bought the VHD tape in Kroger afterwards. I didn't understand why the doctor wanted me to cry, though. My mom pretty much said that crying is a part of growing up. So I just agreed and remembered being reallllly excited about crying when I was riding back home, ahaha. Years later, I learned that, apparently, it's unhealthy to not cry every now and then. So I guess you can say I had a pretty good childhood. & I SURE did cry when Mufasa died. haha. I still have that slip! :)

• I'm wayyyy too innocent. & I still am, but then again, I didn't watch alot of cable TV growing up. Instead, I was obssessed with singing along to the Whitney Houston cassette tapes my mom would play in her car and talking to grown ups for some reason. I liked asking questions and I had that whole "adorable" aura about myself, so adults definitely liked talking to me back. My mom's friends told my mother that they had never seen a girl so curious. Curiosity turned into naiveity when boys began acting perverted and girls were trying hard to look attractive, I was like," Uhhh....dude, stop staring at me all wierd.......and you! Girl over there! Aren't you going to get cold all day from that skirt? High heels won't help." But no. I didn't really say that to anyone, but having a point made, I was a deer in the headlights when puberty was happening, yet honestly, I pretty much stayed the same girl. Yeah, middle school and junior high was my awkward stage. I wore cute purple glasses and khaki jumpers while always finishing my math homework in my free time. Other kids would be passing notes to each other and....just NOT doing their homework, lol. But just between you and me, I think puberty was a silly excuse for kids back then. Like, "Sally? Wanna go out with me?" "Why, Tom?" "Because....because I started my puberty." Really, now?! NOOOO JOKE. I remember a kid saying that when I was in junior high. Of course, I changed the names because I don't even remember who said it. Now, highschool corrupts everyone. So yes, I do get it when someone remarks, "That's what she said", but forgive me when I reply back,"She said what?" lol. College is gonna hit me hard, haha.

• I don't like to argue with people because if a person wants to explain something REALLY BAD to me, then I'll listen, even if I end up being right in the end. (pssst, I don't care about being right; I care if we both understand that there's an answer. I know, not all teenagers are like that, but I am.) It's not that people think I'm stupid, but people don't really take me seriously when I try to let them "see a brighter side to things". In the nicest way, I'm trying to say that you're not thinking about the whole picture. But I'm not so good at giving advice, anyway. I try, though. This is sorta like 2 facts in one, lol.

• I don't take hate seriously. It's one of those feelings that just won't last. To hate on others will always last, but its up to us to stay that way. I don't really get "angered" on, but when I am, I kinda laugh at it. I smile at that particular person more than anyone else. I make sure I say "hello" and "goodbye" to that person when I enter and leave the same room and I make myself talk to that person with every chance I get. Yeah, sounds kinda stalkerish, but I promise you, this plan always works. Eventually they'll forget being mad at me and everything goes back to normal. & yes.....I CAN be angry at people, but then again, I don't take hate seriously. I don't get angry unless it's something that'll impact me really deep (example: killing my dog, vandalizing my house, etc), because these ARE legit reasons to get angry. Time will heal. &....yeah, you get the point.
  

• I never really know myself. Ironically, I think these "facts" and survey thing-a-mobobbers are resisting us to fully open ourselves to new ideas, discoverings, and new people. Typing that you hate listening to John Mayer will make you never realize how talented he is when he sings Gravity! (Besides, everyone loves John Mayer!) But yeah, it's just an example since I'm listening to him right now. Really, you never know yourself until those last moments on earth. Have fun with yourself, and give yourself chances to try new things. :)

Haha, I was looking at my old videos, and I remember my freshman choir initiation. I totally won the contest, too! lol :) I had to go up at the stage and sing a christmas song in a different way according to how the older sophomore choir brother/sister wants you to sing it. I had to sing Jingle Bells in a sexy way, and I was a present. x] Haha, really embarassing. But I guess this ties in to my fact #5! Happy Wednesday! :) Gotta go watch ANTM!

(pssssst. This was more of a rambling sorta blog post. I felt like being random today. Haha, I'll prolly post a more serious blog later on.)

What I really wanna say.

Dear colleges,

Thanks for sending me all the brouchures and letters of your interest in me applying to your college. I'm extrememly flattered, and you definitely have given me consideration upon which campus and career major to fufill. But I must say, you all have been lying to me. Telling me that my futures lies in your hands can't possibly be accurate since I can only choose one of you. But I do know that even if I drew your name out of a hat, I know you would take care of me the best way you can. It's inevitable that, yes, you do really really like me. Some more than others. And I do like you back....some..... more than others. Yet, there's still other colleges I like as well, and it's a shame that they don't even know I exist. But let me ask, which one of you can tell me straight in the eye that you have my dream waiting for me? Tell me, do you think my life, my home away from home, is with you? Does your summers warm me enough to say hello to the sky, and does your winters chill me enough to make snow angels on my way to class? Can you promise me that the people I'll befriend with will give me good influence? Will my future roommate be a slob? Will your classes interest me? Do you think I'll come out a better person than I am in the beginning of college? What do you expect from me? What can I expect from you? It all sorta feels awkward in a way. I feel like you're all knocking on my door and kidnapping me from the one place I've lived in and the community I've always known, yet I allow you anyway. I'm going to live in a land with no familiarity, no person of acquiantance, no building that I previously stepped, and yet, you want me to point my finger at you and let me embrace you with open arms. I don't want to live in a place with a "dog eat dog world" kinda motive, I don't want to be around a good majority of people who apparently like to die early from Marlboro and Heineken, and I don't want to live in a place where I can't stand standing outside. I want to have every opportunity serviced, every professor aspiring, and a place I can enjoy walking around alone without anyone trying to steal my purse, gunpoint me, or rape me. And if that ever happens, (God, please don't ever let that be the case), is there anyone, any place, any service to rely on? So really, who's telling me the truth now? Who will guarantee my destiny? Am I worth it? Am I worth it all? You all should really knock on my door and greet my parents; they think I'll stay in some community college living with them. Haha, we can both laugh together on that statement. But meeting you won't make me easily swooned. What am I afraid from you? That's I'll miss home. I'll miss it enough to come back and say to myself, "What was I thinking?" I'm afraid I'll have to make friends (note: Honestly, I never once had a problem with making friends. Why? Because I make friends from MY friends and the friend that I'm friends with was always the one who had the initiative of befriending me. Living with a bunch of strangers and start from scratch on my own motives? I'm scared. to. death.) because I'm desperate. I don't ever want to let my parents know I'm not happy, safe, and satisfied. What's the worst thing I fear? There's two, actually. One, I'll come back forgetting everyone I loved and were once close with. And two, I'll forget myself. I'll completely look at an old friend and show no awareness, no compassion, no interest in each other's lives, and then they'll say," You've changed" and I haven't taken notice. And I'll be honest, I'm not the only one who feels this way. There are plenty other teenagers who feel just as frustrated as I am when searching for colleges. But I don't think you should oversee it as a minor issue; it just means that no one has answered our questions, or in this case, mine. Look, it's already 10:45pm. This is taking me almost three hours to express less than half the things I want to say to you. What I will say is this, I believe in giving everyone a fair shot. So although you're expecting big things from me after graduation, you can expect that I'm gonna come visit when you least expect it; just a fair warning. Because when it's home at first sight, I'll know.

Yours truly,

Ressa

Up to me.

Sometimes there are things you just don't wanna know. Especially when you know people know you know it. There's this instinctive thumping from across the outline of your heart that reassures your existence and makes you wanna tell truths. These truths vary from what lies within the atmosphere to what settles within your troublesome reliefs. It takes consideration between what happens to what could have been. It strengthens the imaginary over the reality to transform into a dispute over trust. Soon, it leads to that one nerve that tells you ,"So, what's it gonna be?" And you sit there in awe from the split second that the world willingly gives to stop and listen to what you want to say.

Then....it's all up to you. Yes.....or no?

First of all, you want to be smart about it. You take everything into consideration.....thinking twice after thinking twice.

You'll say yes, and suddenly everyone's your best friend. You're considered another step checked off someone's list of goals to do and then you're back to step 1 when they're going on to step 56 of their future. Bringing on a thumbs up signals even more happiness or being viewed lesser than who you are. Wrong answer, maybe?

But suddenly commanding your mouth to say no will bring more disappointment. You don't move forward, nor backward. You stop from where you stand. Tears flowing and distasteful language overwhelms you with thinking you're the bad person in the conversation. But maybe it'll fond you over other bystanders who take notice and let you gain some genuine respect.

It's like you can never really win.

Thinking about it only makes you realize that you should owe it to yourself to say how you really feel, & say something you won't regret and mean it as much as make them want to feel. A choice that'll slowly but surely change you as much as you resist yourself to stay who you are. This silent magical spell that can't be shaken but stirred. It's as strong or as bland as you want the flavor to taste, and the only way to change things back to where they were is to pour it all down the drain and start all over again.

This motion is so powerful.

I think people have forgotten, sometimes.

Not hard at all.

"It's not hard to find it all a little bitter sweet,

and lookin' back on all of that...

it's nice to believe."

Feelin' country all of a sudden...sorry if that's not how you roll. My mommy was sleeping in the living room sofa, so I sorta tried to sing quietly. :) lol, near the end it's sorta iffy? Sorry, I really don't feel like doing a retake. x] But that's not the point! It's been a while since I've heard this song, but I still love it like it was as if I'm hearing it for the first time all over again. :) Don't you just love that feeling?

Trying.

I really want to type.

I'm really trying.

I'm staring at this blank screen for almost 2 hours.

Something must is wrong with me.

I really wanna sound witty, meaningful, and let you know something you never knew about me....

But nothing. I can't think of anything.

Actually, scratch that. I have everything BUT anything to talk about. I'm walking endlessly back and forth thinking about carpet floors, shades of blue, flavors of fruit, etc. because, you guessed it! I have no idea what to do with myself.

:(

And I'm sorry if that means I'm pushing people away from me as I do so.

Heh, so that's it.

I can't think of anything.

Sorry.