It all takes one step at a time.

This one's a quickie. So....my very last TAKS is going to be taken tomorrow. I probably have to finish up the entire format of the literary magazine during 5th & 7th period as well as memorizing my two solos for my voice lessons at 3-4pm in the choir ensomble room. I'm trying to possibly earn all my volunteer hours for NHS this coming friday. I heard it'll be at Relay for Life? I'll probably do that.
& Saturday morning, I have to wake up at 7 to arrive early to take my SATs at the U of H (that's what happens when I don't register in time!) & then I'll be auditioning for the Fil-Am Superstar competition later on during the evening. I still have to find a acapella song to sing for that.
THEN, I wake up early AGAIN on Sunday to prepare all day for my confirmation at St.Helens! :) & then I'll eat out afterwards to celebrate with my family.
In between alllllll of this happening, I have to finish reading basically half of The Grapes of Wrath, finish all hw assignments for Pre-calculus, probably get a head start on that new physics chapter, and memorize and prepare to perform my audition for my school's 3rd annual Pop show this coming Tuesday.
Ooh, and I have to prepare for the AP english test, choir San Antonio trip, being in charge for JCDA, Encore choir, drama/choir banquet, Austin UIL solo ensomble competition, Cramer's voice recital, studying for the spanish 3 final exam, finish making my resume for the Leadership Academy, use that resume for college interviews everywhere I go to this coming summer, ask to register for an online tech class, take driving school, do the whole 'AP class summer assignment' stuff, refresh myself with piano, possibly take dance classes (I don't want to be lost ever again when learning new routines for musicals!), continue voice lessons, maybe go to go-sees for talent agencies(that depends if time's available), apply for scholarships, take my senior photoshoot early, & maintain a social life.
UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
My weekends have been this crazy since the beginning of highschool. & it's not easier during the summer. Actually, it won't get easier until I'm retired.
But for now, I'm taking every day one step at a time, which makes me realize that that's the song I want to sing for the pop show. One Step at a Time by the crazy-talented Jordin Sparks. Good thing my life is busy enough for me to realize that.

wanna preview? :D It's because I love ya'll.

Look.

Just pretend you never knew me.

For instance, what would you think of me if we just happened to be in the same car ride? What's the first thought that crosses your mind when you see me playing in a swing?
How about if I'm waiting for a ride home outside from choir practice afterschool?
Or what about if I just happened to wear a crazy wig with an enormous bow on top?

We came across each other at an extravagent wedding?

I'm playing with kitchen utensils at your house?

I think you get the picture. The obvious answer is that, you'd most definitely will have different first impressions of me. And you probably might even be surprised how all these pictures all sorta relate to each other from one person.

But maybe I'm not the same girl in every photo.

Not one person would look at the same photo the same way; not every person has the same personality.

In all honesty, I'm not good at making the best first impressions. But I guess you can say I can entertain you?

Just let the photo speak for itself.

Friendship surprises me.

You can't chose family, they say.

I had a confirmation interview at the church 5 pm, and it was 4:43. I called my brother, and I couldn't reach him for the 31635761570 time. I got mad. Enough said.

I left a voice message saying I needed a ride from a friend of mine, but I didn't really give hope on this person willing to drive me as I gave up on myself to arrive there on time. (I forgot to mention, this interview was mandatory in order to BE confirmed as a Catholic.) I did what I do best, which was to panic, and 2 minutes later, the very same friend of mine called back and said," Hey.....still need that ride?"

He finally picked me up at the front of my house at 5:15. We basically gave up on arriving there on time, which was impossible, & decided on the drive back to the church that we would just tell the priest my situation, and that it would be a Catholic responsibility in letting a friend come to her interview than letting her not come at all.

& I can happily say, I passed my interview. :)

On the drive back home, I learned how he was already at the church to be interviewed when I called him, and gave up his slot to pick me up instead.

I responded by saying thank you infinitely.

He brushed off all of my 'thank you's' with replying once," Ah, it's nothing. No problem."

In a way, I felt like responding," Uh, no. It a BIG problem YOU fixed. This was NOT nothing by any means."

But I ended up staring at his hands on the wheel as he drove instead.

How can I repay him? What on earth made him think 'I need to help Ressa today'? Why? How could he have done such a thing? This all whammed inside my head.


I could tell he knew what I was thinking and said," Hey, I couldn't just leave you home. It's all worth it."

And all I could think of was " Wow. How could I possibly be deserving enough to have such a great friend?"

It all surprises me. How much a person can do for you without asking anything in return.



This is one of the many favors that friends have done for me in my life.

After high school, I really hope I feel the same way when I make new friends in college.



But for now, I can't help but keep thinking to myself how lucky I am.

I have friends that make me feel this way everyday.

For every person I ever said thank you to, I wanna give the opportunity to say thanks. Twice.

Letters.

It was all because of a manila envelope that made me have a change of heart, starting from this past Saturday night. I wasn't expecting to recieve parent letters, along with notes from friends and relatives in my confirmation retreat. All of us were called to find our chaperone in order to recieve them, and I had a slight doubt that I would have one and that my parents might've forgot. But I was later impressed, seeing my name in one, bulky envelope package upon my group leader's hands. I didn't realize how well my mom and dad could keep a secret.



I didn't even know what it was for, but I ended up crying as I was holding it anyway.



People were starting to walk off and find a place to read their envelopes, and I found myself sitting with 12 other kids inside a room, yet detached myself from the group and sat alone in the corner instead.



I didn't realize how much I've done in my life. Nor do I constantly remember how much it took for my mom to make me alive before birth.

I tend to lose the thought of how much I'm such a blessing to my parents rather than a burden.



There's more to the letters than just that, but for personal reasons, it's best to just say that I'm not so lost. I was just spinning myself in circles towards the right direction.



When people try to 'reinvent' themselves, they opt to be more positive, caring, and encouraging. In my case, I wanted to make myself be more realistic, to still maintain positivity, but be more honest to myself and not be in such high hopes for every situation I chose to make.



I ended up making myself more miserable then I ever stooped myself down to, and I forgot who I was and who I wanted to be.



Maybe I wanted to change myself because the invisible list of people I admire inside my head have their names crossed-out, one by one, every time I had to wish them to rest in peace.



I felt like it was the right thing to become more like an adult. To put away dreams and goals that I wanted as a kid, and pursue more 'stable' dreams that are easy to get by.



As I was figuring out how to be an adult, I kept forgetting. More and more each day.
'Should I change my favorite color to blue instead of pink?' That sounds more practical. 'Maybe instead of walking outside, I should just stay in and log on to facebook.' That's the more popular choice.



And before I knew it, I thought to myself, 'What on earth am I doing?'



So this all leads to who I was for the majority of my sophomore and junior year of highschool, right up until last week.



Always searching. Always frustrating. Always on the rooftop of a skyscraper that's turned upside down.



I was pretty good at pushing all these concerns away as I step out in public, because I wanted to find a solution in my own matters.



But I kept that pretty problem inside of me and knew that I'll know when the time is right to fix it.



I thought of this as I finished the last letter inside the envelope and cried even more. I realized what I did now.



At first, I was mad at myself. How dare I try to control my future in order to somehow 'throw away' my past....all while I'm being passive in my present!



And then I felt ashamed for pushing my family around to change their plans for me. To drive me places, to rearrange their schedules for all my performances, to make sure I always have breakfast in the morning.



But then, I felt so much love overwhelming me. How they always say 'yes' to come watch me sing at whereever for whatever. & how much people look up to me and support me, even though I oversee it by always trying to be better than myself. To always brush off compliments and to never truly believe what they say, but smile, nod, and walk away, trying hard to think of more ways becoming even more impressive.



But it was those letters that told me I didn't need to make anymore suprises. You'll love me always, no matter what.



I always thought you wanted me to stay with you. That you were happier if I were transformed into your liking.



But now I know that you'll let me go wherever I desire. That you'll always consider my decisions first. I misunderstood you for so long because it was hard for both of you to tell me that you'll be okay with saying goodbye. That you'll hope to see me come back when I please, but mostly, to wish I will come back.



I'm sorry I said multiple times I never will. But noneoftheless, my heart always told me I would no matter how hard I tried to resist it.



This entire discovery completely baffles me. That it wasn't up to me to make more choices than I should. It wasn't about trying to "grow up" that made me become more like a grown up. It was all from being blessed with what I always had all along.



I would always pray to God every night to help me figure out what I needed to do with myself.



& God answered my question for the most part.



It was all from a manila envelope filled with love.

I can only grow from here.

In under 10 minutes.

I'm really considering being home schooled. My nail polish is starting to chip off. I don't really like pudding. Gosh, why is my hair really cinky today? Wow, I can't wait to leave this weekend. I wonder of I'll have good grades this 6 weeks. Oh right, I won't. I don't like how teachers blame us all the time. I swear, I have the greatest bunch of friends ever. Man, I need to clean my room. I wonder if there's any more travel sized toothpaste to bring. I probably need to pay Silva $27 tomorrow. I forgot yesterday....and today. Ugh, WHY can't my parents ever stop being so over-protective? I promised them I'll wear sunscreen everyday. Yuck, the orange juice in the fridge has a bad after taste. I can't really see the sun today. Today is a more dusky weather. DARN. MY NAIL POLISH JUST CHIPPED. I hate repainting my nails. & I'm tired of endlessly trying to find a song for Pop Show. I don't like this week very much. GOSH, I hate the 6th week of the 6th weeks! Hmmm, did my mom do the laundry today? I can hear creepy noises in the garage. I sure hope it's the washing machine. But I bet this is the best way to die since I'm typing right now. I could just press send once they kidnap me and everyone will know I'm held captured. That's technology for ya. My dog looks hungry, I better go feed it. Wait- nevermind. She just wants to sit on my lap. Aww.............I love my dog. So cute. Anyway, geez, spring weather is killing me, I say! The pollen is ridiculously horrible. I sneeze atleast 51436465 times when I step out the door. I should cut my hair soon. Maybe after the San Antonio choir trip, since I really don't have time right now. Neither do my parents. I wish I spend more time with them. Oh boy, I'm home alone. & I need to start packing soon. Plus, I need to prepare dinner. Darn, I need to do my grammer for english. Ughhhhh, there's so much stuff to do before friday!!! Maybe if I have time, I should curl my hair for tomorrow. But nahhhh.....I'll probably curl it Monday since I feel too lazy. Plus, my hair is cinkier even more so compared to the past 9 minutes ago. School makes me feel yucky all the time. Shoo, I don't even know what I will be next year. I'll be extremely intense and a nervous wreck. I wish the seniors didn't leave me. But it's not just them, it's pretty much everyone outside of my family. And the only ones who are by my side will be the ones hurting the most as I turn my back and leave them. I'm a horrible person. & I'll soon be alone; just as I deserve. I hate karma. Man, I wish it died. Atleast the bad ones.

This is what I was thinking in my mind in under 10 minutes.

And I can't do anything but keep walking.

You don't know.

I feel as though alot of people have only seen one side of me.

So, I'm breaking that. If there's 5 things I wanted people to learn about me, it's this:

1) I really wanna learn how to yodel. Yeah, that's right. You read it correctly. Because honestly, how many filipinos do YOU know that can yodel? Na-da. So I wanna be the first! :) lol I also want to learn how to scat better, too. Singing without really saying anything, but singing everything loud and clear.

2) I had never eaten a Twinkie. Ever. As a kid, I always wanted to buy those sugary dessert treats like Hostess cupcakes and such, but my mom never gave in. I basically grew up eating home-cooked meals. And I thank my mom now for doing that. Because I'm always scared of becoming diabetic, which is a REAL issue in my mom's side of the family. I'll still accept candy, but I'm not obsessed about it as I was when I was 3. x] I had about 5 cavities in my childhood. LOL, it was badddddddd. My mom scared me with stories that if I don't eat fuit, then the Moo-moo (filipino term for monster. idk if I spelled it right) would come and eat me since my stomach is too sweet. Man, my mom's good at tricking me. x]

3) I wish I can cook like Rachael Ray. I'm good at making cereal, microwaveable foods, and Betty Crocker Easy Dessert Mixes. That's about it. I'm terrible at making anything from scratch; just saying. & I cringe everytime someone bites into my food, and I immediately apologize while they're chewing it. They always reassure me that's it's 'not bad'. But I'm pretty sure they don't want to hurt my feelings. x] So, I hope my college roomie will take care of me. x] & hopefully my future hubby can cook like Wolfgang Puck. Or else I'll be living off of ramen noodles.

4) I'm a stomach-down sleeper. Meaning to say, I sleep with my tummy against the mattress rather than lying straight up towards the ceiling. Idk, I just thought it was interesting I sleep that way. Most people sleep upwards or curl into foetal position. So, yeah.

5) My neighbors like listening to me singing in the shower from their backyard. I think that's pretty wierd how they can hear me from my bathroom vent. x] My parents thought it was funny. haha.


That's it. :) Happy Wednesday!

True Colors.

POOP MY LIFEEEEEEE. http://www.myspace.com/gleeauditions?link=142666464
So, Glee is like, the number one show I would just DIE to be on. :D
& hahahahaha.......Myspace is doing a video contest for users to audition, and the winner will be on their show.
Good thing I deleted my account months ago! [sarcasm]
Anywho, if I were going to audition.....this would be my audition video. :)

"But I see your true colors

Shining through

I see your true colors

And that's why I love you"

[note: Like I mentioned at the end, I would sing it in a sunny background....and! :D And a pretty sundress....and! :D And I would actually memorize the lyrics.....and! :D And I would sing it 1759475947619 times better. :D But that's ONLY if I were to audition. :( ]

Biggest mistake.

Last summer, I was desperate. I wanted to put myself out there and win tons of cash. & I figured I could do that when trying to enter the this international song writing competition. So I locked myself up for days in my room trying to create a song. I came up with this:

"Melody of our Lives"

V1: Follow me,

there's nothing better than the sound of wind breathe,

sunlight welcomes me from up above,

I feel my heart chasing love.

Step-by-step,

days grow longer,

don't waste time,

let's create memories to remember

chorus: As we share our thoughts,

and evolve our minds,

let's create the melody of our lives

it won't be long for lyrics to gain our trust

it's time for music to listen to us.

V2: Talk to me,

say what's on your mind sincerely,

your heartbeat follows mine so freely,

let me discover your unspoken mysteries.

Side-by-side

night gets darker,

hold my hand,

let's sing this song together

chorus: As we share our thoughts,

and evolve our minds,

let's make the melody of our lives

it won't be long for lyrics to gain our trust

it's time for music to listen to us

bridge: Nothing can stop what we've started,

I can't finish this on my own,

our voices can make the whole world shine,

and let love realize

what our hearts hear beyond

even after we're done with singing this song

then another duet comes along....

chorus: As we share our thoughts,

and evolve our minds,

let's create the melody of our lives

it won't be long for music to gain our trust,

it's time for music to listen to us.

Follow me,

there's nothing better than the sound of wind breathe....

So here I was thinking I nailed it. I would send it in and expect to earn some money for college in no time. & then I tried to mail it the next day.....and I couldn't do it.

I have never been in love. Ever. I love. But in love? Never. Which makes me sounds like a total hypocrite. A fraud. A fake. A sore winner-in-the-making.

How could I tell people in the face that this is what love feels like? What would I say to people when they ask, "What's your inspiration?" DESPERATION for anything BUT love itself?

-sigh- I felt like a huge HI-KNEEE-HOLE.

I went back home and kept the envelope buried deep underneath my bed.

I want to write songs that actually relate to me. Songs that ARE me in a written, musical fashion.

I promised myself I would never do this again.

This isn't some willy-nilly thing that means nothing to me. I want to be a true somgwriter.

But it's harder than it looks.

(note: Although I feel ashamed of writing these lyrics, any OUNCE of copying my lyrics into whatever will lead to violating my musical property. I won't be happy and will notify federal law. )

Living past the full moon.

Ressa slept with tears down her face as she gently wiped them off with her flimsy fingers. She cried all night because she noticed the night sky through her bedroom window. She could see the full moon that night.

Unfolding back to her childhood years, it was the summer before she would be in 3rd grade upcoming fall. It was the first time she had been to the Philippines ever since she was an infant. Yet, she didn't believe the trip taken as an infant counted, since 'it's not a trip unless you remember it'. It was a dark, warm night as she was lying underneath a gallant guava tree that when you were looking up, you would feel so small compared to the branches sticking out from it's stump. There was one particular branch that was steeping towards her with the embellished fruits, and felt pleased to be pointing at her. She carefully pulled a guava from it's stem and rubbed it against her shirt, preparing to eat it for dinner. She quickly felt a tug from her back and had her mouth covered as she was about to scream.

She wasn't alone. It was her cousins who all wore the same attire: sleeveless shirts and short shorts in assorted colors. They were 5 lanky girls standing in the order from tallest to shortest. It was crazy for her to believe that she was related to them, as they were all beautifully striking and had an inner beauty that reflected back its charm, if not, more. Yet, they were all unique and had a gentle kindness in them that made you feel welcomed, even by them staring with a sweet smile.

"Shhh, it's just us. No need to wake up the whole village," they chimed.

Ressa instantly smiled from their presence. When she first met them, they instantly became close and have already gave each other cute nicknames and were eager to teach the Filipino-American how to speak phrases in tagalog in order to impress her friends when returning back home. It was Ressa's last day before she returned to leave for the shuttle bus to Manila, which will bring her back to the airport to depart back in Texas. They didn't acknowledge verbally to each other how Ressa would leave the next day, or else they would have been sobing, thinking of how much they grew to have known her, yet how much they would ache to see her walking out of their lives again. It was harder for Ressa to leave, though. She had never felt so much love in her life. Still, they acted as though it was just another night they were normally spending together, and in a way, it was the best way for Ressa to enjoy her last day in the Philippines.

They all huddled in a circle and continued to chat in hushed tones about whatever the nightfall had brought them to say.

"So what's it like in America, Ressa?" said one of the younger cousins as the conversation shifted towards her.

She gave a low hum to herself before she answered the question.

She wanted to say that it was nothing extraordinary like the Philippines, nothing as beautiful compared to the Mayon Volcano in the background from the dinky vehicles passing by her house everyday. America had buildings to keep people inside, as this particular pacific island had exotic weather that brings people outdoors 24/7. If anything, Ressa preferred her life in this homeland from her other home. She then looked up at her cousins awaiting her response, all with excited faces and jaws dropped, freezing their positions as Ressa opened her mouth to speak.

"It's different", she dully replied.

She could tell from their faces that they weren't pleased at all from her answer given, but they knew her well enough to not ask for more. All of their faces looked out, focusing at the moon. The moon luminated its light, as if it was giving off it's glow towards them. It was a full moon that night, and it had never looked as enormous to Ressa from how it looked like tonight.

"How could this moon possibly be the same moon I look at back home?'' Ressa mentioned in awe.

Ressa's cousins looked around to face her.

"Not as big as what you would see from America, huh?" said the older one.

Ressa quickly nodded, and they all drifted their faces at the glow again.

Silence filled the atmosophere as the birds, crickets, and frogs made up their mute from their sounds beneath the forest.

"You know, no matter where you are, the moon will always there. Whether you're staring through your home in America or sitting next to us underneath a tree," the youngest girl out of the circle said.

We all laughed in reply, because she was right. Suddenly we heard our parents calling our names, and we sneaked back into the back door of the house so they wouldn't know that we were outside the whole time.

It's now April 9, 2010; yesterday. Past all of Ressa's worries about preparing for college, past her upsets from her mistakes, past her aching heart from pleasing everyone with whatever they ask of her, there was a full moon that night to take those troubles away from her. And she thought of that night when she was in the Philippines, how long ago it was, and how much she cherished it. She wondered if her cousins told God for this night to have a full moon, as though the moon's shine was an eyepiece to a view of the familiar foriegn island, seeing her relatives wave at her as she lied down in her bed continually gazing at the glow from her bedroom window. She waved at the moon just in case this idea was true. Then, she started crying.

It's been 9 years, and Ressa couldn't have been more jealous at the moon as she was on April the 9th. The moon has watched her and her cousins living on without each other all this time. Yet, she couldn't do anything about it, but look at the moon, hoping her cousins were looking out from their window, too.

Dedication to all my girlies in the Philippines, because visiting you every 2-4 years isn't good enough anymore in my life; I wanna be with you guys. :( I miss you with all my heart.