I'm not dumb. I make mistakes. And yes, sometimes I KNOW I am making mistakes, but I still do it anyways. But that doesn't have any relevance to being dumb. Nope. Nada. So why does it feel like I'm trying too hard to prove to everyone that I'm whatever the hooplah I idealistically need to be?You're no fun. I don't want to play anymore tricks. No more games in my little head wondering if I can handle 4 hours of sleep. Nope. Nada. If there's one thing I learned from the past 6 weeks, it's this: I deserve better. Sure, I don't mind letting kiddos borrow my pencil, and sure, I don't mind it when you just want someone to listen. I'll always be there for you. It just seems like I'm not human these days, and as of right now, I'm guiding myself on how to breathe again. And I'm sorry if you've been thinking less of me. I'm not doing a very good job at being me. Trust me, it's been hurting every single day that I'm living to accept it. But I don't want to. And please don't read this thinking I've gone madly depressed, which is not the case. Feeling bipolar? Maybe. I just want to make this clear. This is my self-note. This marks the date where this grand declaration takes action. I'm done. So don't even try. Nope. Nada.
I don't wanna be this way. If there's anything I want right now, I need a sign. A HUGE undeniable sign that tells me that everything will be okay. Because not only am I scared, but I'm scared of being scared. Don't ask why I am, I just feel like it's better not to question this sort of notion. Plus, it takes less time for me to worry, yet, that's what I tend to do best. Maybe I'm blind by this sort of depressing wave of yuck, and that I'm actually right where I'm suppose to be. It's not like I need to go anywhere. I'll have company, and I'll return back from where I'll leave. It has been this way my whole life. It's what I've known all these years. Returning from where I've left my mark is what I've been told to do. & it's not like I'm not good at taking a step back. By all means, I'm in no rush at all. I'll wait right here. But please, tell me if I'm wrong. Tell me if I'm in your way, or if I don't know the difference between my left or right. I just feel like I'm forgetting something. I'll stay behind. & I'll catch up someday. I just think that maybe this direction isn't the only path. It shouldn't. So would it be a mistake to take a different trail? Maybe it's best if I walk in my own steps. If I see you again, please, don't go away. I know that everything won't be the same. It's like this place is all grown up. & soon, it'll give me permission to see the other side. I'm looking its way. I'm coming. Let me see. Let me go. Let me be.
There's a point in your life where you ran out of excuses. You just want to sit in the sidelines and take a good glance at what's around, but then you're suddenly put on the spotlight and you just have to go with what you got. You have done this process countless times; some were successful, and some were times when you learned from it. You're tired, but you won't give in. It's a satisfying finish line, but not a pleasant journey. You want to have a break from the race and stop by Taco Bell. Yet, you don't like Taco Bell. You're in the mood for sushi. & I'm stating a horrible "for instance" situation that makes no sense. Sorry, I have a rusty imagination. But anyway, you're just like everyone else, so you need something special about yourself. You can't help but be proud. You want to be the best you can be, which is a common goal of the human mind. You're in a hungry need for inspiration. You're looking for it in the wrong places. You seem to feel troubled, but you keep searching. You suddenly realize why you wanted to start that race in the beginning. You lose your mind, and started taking risks. You're losing yourself, but you don't seem to break a sweat. You didn't really know who you were your whole life. You're scared. Yet, you run with it. This scenario is allll very complicated, jaded, but unknown every time it takes its course. What do you do? You keep spinning in circles. You keep wearing the same red sweater from last winter. You like to make up stories and keep secrets. You feel like blah. You forget why you're special. You consider about your past and drew a blank on why you said things that meant a lot to you in those moments. You prepare for the future. It's approaching. Nothing matters anymore. You keep spinning. The sensation awakens you, and suddenly, it doesn't. You're like everyone else. You're suppose to feel this way. You're like an old song. Your voice is your compass. The world is handing you the mic. & this, this is what makes you sing. This is my neverending circumstance.
Well, this is how it goes.
Like all humans, we live in time. & in certain times, you have either good or bad. I'm sorta crossing the line into having bad times at this moment, but let's make this good timing to say what I want to say: thanks. Thank you for reading this. I don't think I'll ever mention this blog to a soul, but I appreciate your generous attention. Because of that, I promise to try my best to be honest to myself and keep my thoughts as genuine as possible. Plus, it's about time I make a blog and ACTUALLY keep up with it. & I feel this burning fire in me to type a GAZILLION things on my head already, but I'm sorta resisting the urge for this first post. I just want to start this with the right intentions. This is not about some teenage girl who's spoiled rich, does drugs, and likes "getting it on" every Saturday night. I'm actually THE good girl of your dreams. Yesiree, I still say "please" and "thank you" for everything. I take it as a huge accomplishment. Oh, and I like to smile. ALOT. Which is such a shame, because you can't see it when you're staring at the computer screen. I eat, breathe, sleep, and recycle. I never broke a bone. I never had the chicken pox. The closest thing I had to drinking an alcoholic beverage was a virgin margarita. I never attempted to skinny dip or get a tattoo. The only piercings I have are the one hole on each ear. I like to please and hate to disappoint. My goal is to make people cry......from laughter. I always have perfect attendance at school. I like being a good girl. & I'll make sure I am your good friend. Let's have a good time.
