Because crying heals.

So it wasn't until a few minutes ago that I've decided to give my blog an update. All because of chocolate that said:

"Crying heals your soul, faith inspires it!" -Gloria, Huntington Park, CA

I kinda look at it and thought to myself," Wow......just wow."

I guess I've been swooned by this statement partially because of the fact that I'm currently performing in Godspell, which is a total life-changing experience to be a part of it as well as for everyone who came and watched it (from what I heard atleast). In the show, there's a scene where you're suppose to cry, which I've struggled with.

One, I'm with people(cast) that I've been really close to, and seeing them see ME cry.....sounds really uncomfortable. And, yeah. It's hard for me to cry.

And, personally, the rehearsals got frustrating for me because I didn't want to make it seem like it was such a big deal for me to tear up. And I was scared that I wouldn't do my role justice. I was even more afraid I was trying too hard to feel sad that it comes out pathetically fake.

I was SO afraid, I practiced crying in front of my mirror.....which sounds absolutely ridiculous typing. But then I sorta gave up trying and decided to rather pick up my sleep routine before school started, which honestly, is doing no good for me.

Two, I start thinking about my 'last time's' at Dawson. Like, my last first day of school.....or my last fall musical opening show.......or having 5 more chances to sing my solo on stage. And I'm prettttty sure it won't get easier to think about when it gets close to April.

Three, I have this random frenzy inside of me to just take everything in. Which is probably similar to reason #2, but not really. Like how my mom and dad keep bringing up all the little things I did when I was little. How I liked performing in the shopping cart everytime my mom went grocery shopping......how I liked to eat my french fries when I was 2........that moment when I wanted to be just like Britney Spears or how I always wanted to live in Disney World one day.

And then last Friday was our opening night......and then here I was....about to take a deep breath in singing my solo. And then I looked out and saw an irridescent-colored dream from above the audience......resembling myself back when I was 5 twirling around in a tutu telling my mom that I wanted to be a performer someday as my mother would try to make me settle down and get into bed. I wanted to catch that floating memory and hold it in my palm....like how my character wants to reach a pebble and place it inside her shoe.

And then I saw 5-year old Ressa running towards me, embracing me, holding me, and smiling sweetly with that crinkly pink tutu that took my mother took forever to let me take off when I had to get ready for school next morning. Looking at that girl.......actually...myself.......made me cry.

Choir and theater is giving me this personal light. It's different this time around......being with/growing up with people who all want to do the same thing as you when you grow up.......it's just all very nurturing.

And then there are days when I think to myself........'What am I gonna do with myself?' So many people are missing in my life right now.

My formal voice teacher.
Both my grandfathers.
My grandmother.
My uncles.
A few of my distant cousins.
A friend who died of cancer.
A family friend who got pregnant way too early in her life.
The friends who moved out.
My elementary teachers that I've now realized had died a few years back.

Those people make me cry. They believed in me.....alot.....even when I didn't see myself that way.

And there's people who feel that same way about me.....and stayed with me for this long in my life.

And they also make me cry.

And then I look at my old childhood pictures and past yearbooks and elementary art projects and all the silly things I wrote down in my old diaries when I was 6.

I cry again.

And then I see myself now.....brushing my teeth.....writing notes for Statistics.....drinking a Lemon-berry Sprite at Sonics...and bringing myself back home to sleep. My dream hasn't changed.....I just thought up of more dreams to add on.



There's a reason for everything at this point, and I have my absolute faith in it.

The tears healed me.

What I've been hiding from.

So I've realized better. & that I've been making myself frustrated for nothing for the longest time. And I want to quit.

Maybe I was just playing it safe.......or insecure of my intelligence. But now I know I need to give credit to myself a little more. And not just keep putting this 'wall' up.

So basically: I don't want my naiveity.

This doesn't mean I don't want to be innocent anymore or I'm trying to get corrupted.

Uhhhhh, no. There's a fine line between that.

There's just this different side of me that I want to get to know of. A part of me that I want to uncover.

I want to explore this particular side of me and maybe possibly allow myself to arise from it.

It sort of seems unfair that I've only thought about this until now, but I feel as though this whole time I was being selfless enough to make myself be behind from everyone else. I wanted everyone to be happy that I would make myself unhappy by 'playing it dumb'. And that in a way, is selfish.

Yet, I don't think anybody wanted that from me, which is what made me decided of this decision in the first place.

I have this greater desire to learn.....but I think I've been distracted from so many doubts and 'what if''s.'

Another reason was the fact I didn't like to be prided of. I like feeling proud, but not in a sense of where I am reputated by it.....which is crazy, because I'm already known for what I do for music. I think there's still this 6-year old in me that believes that I'm not 'old' enough to be recognized or become 'someone'. I still have a long way to go, which I do, but I'm far past the starting line.

But I want to learn about myself enough to find a 'somewhere' for me while staying 'here'. I'm not going anywhere anytime soon. This is where I take my future into some deep consideration.

I want to find this inner balance in me that I wasn't ready to grasp yesterday......or the past 17 years of my life.

This is not one of those 'I want to be a new me and change foreverrrrrr!' type of stuff. This is me in growth. Nothing is changed or taken away; just more appreciated by a different approach.

Because I still like laughing obnoxiously and spinning around in circles.