So I've realized better. & that I've been making myself frustrated for nothing for the longest time. And I want to quit.Maybe I was just playing it safe.......or insecure of my intelligence. But now I know I need to give credit to myself a little more. And not just keep putting this 'wall' up.
So basically: I don't want my naiveity.
This doesn't mean I don't want to be innocent anymore or I'm trying to get corrupted.
Uhhhhh, no. There's a fine line between that.
There's just this different side of me that I want to get to know of. A part of me that I want to uncover.
I want to explore this particular side of me and maybe possibly allow myself to arise from it.
It sort of seems unfair that I've only thought about this until now, but I feel as though this whole time I was being selfless enough to make myself be behind from everyone else. I wanted everyone to be happy that I would make myself unhappy by 'playing it dumb'. And that in a way, is selfish.
Yet, I don't think anybody wanted that from me, which is what made me decided of this decision in the first place.
I have this greater desire to learn.....but I think I've been distracted from so many doubts and 'what if''s.'
Another reason was the fact I didn't like to be prided of. I like feeling proud, but not in a sense of where I am reputated by it.....which is crazy, because I'm already known for what I do for music. I think there's still this 6-year old in me that believes that I'm not 'old' enough to be recognized or become 'someone'. I still have a long way to go, which I do, but I'm far past the starting line.
But I want to learn about myself enough to find a 'somewhere' for me while staying 'here'. I'm not going anywhere anytime soon. This is where I take my future into some deep consideration.
I want to find this inner balance in me that I wasn't ready to grasp yesterday......or the past 17 years of my life.
This is not one of those 'I want to be a new me and change foreverrrrrr!' type of stuff. This is me in growth. Nothing is changed or taken away; just more appreciated by a different approach.
Because I still like laughing obnoxiously and spinning around in circles.