So it wasn't until a few minutes ago that I've decided to give my blog an update. All because of chocolate that said:"Crying heals your soul, faith inspires it!" -Gloria, Huntington Park, CA
I kinda look at it and thought to myself," Wow......just wow."
I guess I've been swooned by this statement partially because of the fact that I'm currently performing in Godspell, which is a total life-changing experience to be a part of it as well as for everyone who came and watched it (from what I heard atleast). In the show, there's a scene where you're suppose to cry, which I've struggled with.
One, I'm with people(cast) that I've been really close to, and seeing them see ME cry.....sounds really uncomfortable. And, yeah. It's hard for me to cry.
And, personally, the rehearsals got frustrating for me because I didn't want to make it seem like it was such a big deal for me to tear up. And I was scared that I wouldn't do my role justice. I was even more afraid I was trying too hard to feel sad that it comes out pathetically fake.
I was SO afraid, I practiced crying in front of my mirror.....which sounds absolutely ridiculous typing. But then I sorta gave up trying and decided to rather pick up my sleep routine before school started, which honestly, is doing no good for me.
Two, I start thinking about my 'last time's' at Dawson. Like, my last first day of school.....or my last fall musical opening show.......or having 5 more chances to sing my solo on stage. And I'm prettttty sure it won't get easier to think about when it gets close to April.
Three, I have this random frenzy inside of me to just take everything in. Which is probably similar to reason #2, but not really. Like how my mom and dad keep bringing up all the little things I did when I was little. How I liked performing in the shopping cart everytime my mom went grocery shopping......how I liked to eat my french fries when I was 2........that moment when I wanted to be just like Britney Spears or how I always wanted to live in Disney World one day.
And then last Friday was our opening night......and then here I was....about to take a deep breath in singing my solo. And then I looked out and saw an irridescent-colored dream from above the audience......resembling myself back when I was 5 twirling around in a tutu telling my mom that I wanted to be a performer someday as my mother would try to make me settle down and get into bed. I wanted to catch that floating memory and hold it in my palm....like how my character wants to reach a pebble and place it inside her shoe.
And then I saw 5-year old Ressa running towards me, embracing me, holding me, and smiling sweetly with that crinkly pink tutu that took my mother took forever to let me take off when I had to get ready for school next morning. Looking at that girl.......actually...myself.......made me cry.
Choir and theater is giving me this personal light. It's different this time around......being with/growing up with people who all want to do the same thing as you when you grow up.......it's just all very nurturing.
And then there are days when I think to myself........'What am I gonna do with myself?' So many people are missing in my life right now.
My formal voice teacher.
Both my grandfathers.
My grandmother.
My uncles.
A few of my distant cousins.
A friend who died of cancer.
A family friend who got pregnant way too early in her life.
The friends who moved out.
My elementary teachers that I've now realized had died a few years back.
Those people make me cry. They believed in me.....alot.....even when I didn't see myself that way.
And there's people who feel that same way about me.....and stayed with me for this long in my life.
And they also make me cry.
And then I look at my old childhood pictures and past yearbooks and elementary art projects and all the silly things I wrote down in my old diaries when I was 6.
I cry again.
And then I see myself now.....brushing my teeth.....writing notes for Statistics.....drinking a Lemon-berry Sprite at Sonics...and bringing myself back home to sleep. My dream hasn't changed.....I just thought up of more dreams to add on.
There's a reason for everything at this point, and I have my absolute faith in it.
The tears healed me.