Thursday, July 29, 2010

Blind Pursuit


Another song finished. This time, it took guts, tears, and some vulnerability to complete it. But I feel like it's worth it.
I.
Smile,
that's what they say
but I can't for you today
Laugh,
that's what they want from me
but I'm no good at pretending



I'm surrounded by possibilities
that weren't meant to be
and I'm distant
from where home is guaranteed
I'm told that its best to leave it be
but now I'm here with a broken dream



There was no beginning that triggered it
from what I can believe
just a continuing mistake
that I have yet to redeem
yet the struggle is more powerful
than the desire to be complete
people ask if it's possible
until now I have no clue
I am proof that breathes
everyday with a blind pursuit



II.
Speak,
you prefer that from me
yet I prefer to disagree
Listen,
since I'm making no sense
but you can't imagine my nonsense



I guess I'm living in some delusion
that I keep fantasizing
being hysterical
to distractions overwhelming
I'm told to forget about the unnecessary
but I can't tell the difference between the contraries



Being wrong is far from what I fear
because the hidden truth is more than staying here
yet there's no ending
to a situation like mine
because I'm always the girl
running out of time
figuring out all
that she wished she knew
I am proof that breathes
everyday with a blind pursuit





Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Because I've got stories....

Because I've got stories to tell you my friend,
and I'm not leavin' until they're said
I got the time and your next to me
that's just enough to tell you everything
enough to tell
everything....





A work in progress.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Sunday mornings.

I didn't really like Sunday mornings when I was little.

But now I look forward to it every week.

There are no plans on Sunday mornings.
It's a time to do what YOU want to do, which is in my case, sleep 'til 4pm.
But I didn't feel like sleeping much today, and there was nothing wrong with that.
I ended up making hot tea and criss-crossed, indian-style on my mattress with my blanket wrapped around me and I took a sip.



Silence.


Mmmmmmmm........

I notice the dust flecks floating around the air from the beamed sunlight. My window blinds can't hide it. It's bright and sunny outside.

...What if it wasn't Sunday?

....I don't think I would ever notice the weather.....or care what day it is for that matter.

My lazy summer days have been long gone....and my busy schedule/routine is creeping up from behind me.

And when I don't, I make plans to keep me busy......ugh.

But I never make plans on a Sunday morning.

& that's when I realize.......in the quiet......comes a gift.

Peace.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Because it's all glamourous to me.


"You know what you should do? Go to the Philippines after schooling and make millions."

That's what a man said to me after I sang last night.

Since becoming one of the Fil-Am superstar winners, I've been given access to the filipino association glitz parties at the high-end side of Houston.
And it's all very exciting being the new girl.

It's kind of remarkable how everything is. There's beautiful chandeliers hanging clustered diamond tear-drops, and how the dancefloor's polished and stretched out as the centerpiece of the whole ballroom (you know how filipinos like to party....). People just walk past them as if seeing it was as normal as seeing a lightpole on the side of the street. And yet, I'm becoming more comfortable looking at them as well. I dine with the chairmans and national filipino associates from all parts of the U.S, and I take pictures with them.......for about an hour long. Literally.

The best part is, my ticket's always free. I sing to them, and then I have fun. Which to me, is a wonderful trade.

So I do so, and I entertain them delightfully.
& that's how I keep coming to these parties.

It's pretty surreal.

I do have to side with them when others say 'filthy rich' kids are so 'fake'. They're absolutely not. Their clothes and the fact that their parents are 'big' people of the 'so-and-so's' make them accustomed to always smile and give off a confident impression, not out of arrogance, but of what they stand for. And since they happen to be brought along by their parents at these parties, they just want to have fun. And not in a bad influential way either. They're crazy goofballs just like any of my own friends from school, and they like dancing until their feet fall off. It's understandable they might be considered as one by the fact that they don't really try the whole 'get to know you' phase. A group of teenagers will just tap my shoulder, compliment me, and ask me to dance with them. They get to know me as we go along having fun.

But it's hard even trying to step into the dancefloor when I have to meet or be introduced to so many other guests at the party, and have many conversations about my life, my goals, my interests.....since you know, I'm the 'new girl'.

And I guess they consider me a 'filipino local celebrity' in a way. I've never told myself that, they just keep implying that I am.

And that's when that man told me to become a star in the Philippines.

I never thought about it before.
That's actually a good idea since all the celebrities in the Philippines ARE Filipino-American. I'm actually considered 'tall' over there, and I......quote-on-quote, have talent. I just need to learn tagalog. & that's it.

I always wanted to be in a TV commercial over there since I do have connections from the industry to be in one, but I never....ever.....thought about actually BEING a foreign celebrity.

EVER.

Do I want to want to give up being in the states? Be an ocean apart from my friends and family? Afford long-distance calls to keep in touch? Worst part........give up A/C?

Or do I want to stay in the states struggling to be in a stable job and live a life of anonymity?

But, will I get used to this?

Getting dressed up.......having to curl my hair for every performance.....memorizing lyrics......singing off of karaoke tracks....shaking hands....giving side-to-side cheek kisses?


Should I?


Because after the party, I come home to a one-story house, in a bathroom that I have to share with my brother ( yeah.....not cool...haha), to a to-go food box using a plastic spork instead if a fancy gold spoon, and a list of summer assignments that I still have to do before school starts.

But that's okay, I'm a small-town girl.....I'm used to this.

& for right now, I like it this way.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Tiwala.

Once upon a time there were 5 little girls.

These girls met at one holiday party and expected nothing more than fruit punch and a plate of lumpia with rice.



But it seemed like God planned everything out when their families ran out of chairs for their table and decided the little ones would sit together instead.



"They're girls.....they'll get along....", one mom said. The grown-ups left them hugs and kisses and return to their seats.



And then.....silence.

The parents' daughters just politely faced their own plates and ate quietly until they were finished.

As years past, their eating gatherings weren't like this at all. They would all link arms and save seats for them to sit together. Their parents would just shake their heads and say," Man, they're inseparable, aren't they?" and let them be. The girls giggled about inside jokes, toys, and disney shows. They shared everything about their hopes and dreams. They wanted each other to be happy, but truly, be happy together.


That's what happened to these girls as they grew up. They would meet-up and catch up about their lives as if the weeks they hadn't seen each other were existant.

But sooner or later, they had worser problems bandaids can't fix. It was grades, siblings, boys, and when parents say 'no'. They wished to be prettier, smarter, popular, and anything else more than themselves. They often forget about what's important. Yet, it was these very same girls who believed in each other enough to realize they are all even more than what they had wanted. So much more.

And soon enough, they past through clouds of grey, rocky roads, and sticks and stones. They became better people because of each other. They all possessed similar qualities, yet, there's always one of them who had a stronger quality of a trait.

One girl gave them spirit. Someone to always laugh with and make their times together just a whole lot crazier. She was lively and was never afraid to be herself.

The other girl showed faith. She's not only devoted to her beliefs, but her belief that everything and everyone will find their way. Through hard times, she made the girls strong.

A particular girl gave wisdom. She showed them that intelligence isn't something to hide and that playing 'dumb' is a lose-lose situation in the long run. She makes them learn from each other everytime.

Another girl expressed beauty. She reminds the girls how possession of inner beauty is reflected towards your appearance. She would see only the beauty of others as well. And yeah, she's also pretty herself.

The last girl delivered honor. She gave goodness in the girls' hearts to never be ashamed of themselves. And that setting a purpose in your life isn't about glory or rewards, but because people expect you to make right decisions.

They all had tiwala-trust. They all had each other; sisters. And that's what we'll always have. That's what we'll always be.

We aren't so little anymore.



Monday, July 5, 2010

Writing songs....

have reached a point where it keeps me sane.
I like it almost enough to love it.
I want to take classes and maybe have a minor in songwriting composition.
Aghhh. It's making me listen to music in a whole new way.
What makes a person think to themselves," Dang, my life sucks! I need to make a song out of this!"?


It's all very interesting.


I want to figure out how to make a melody out of the songs I'm writing, though. I never really made a 'complete' song.
But I'll just keep writing some stuff. Maybe I'll figure it out along the way.




Smile,


that's what they say


but I can't for you today


Laugh,


that's what they want from me


but I'm no good at pretending...




I'm tweaking this new one. Agh. I'm excited to finish it. :)

Sunday, July 4, 2010

I'm in America.

I've spent most of my life with you.
& I've made extremely happy, sad, and 'whatever' days with you as well.
I keep forgetting where I am and where to go, yet, I'll always end up in one place.
You teached me pride and honor, truth and freedom.
I studied about you all through, well, almost all through, my school life.
You never fail to surprise me with your history and future.
You were always there to lift me up when I've wanted to fall.....so many times.
I grew up while you've re-born.
Your silence is admirable; your noise is incredible.
I'm amazed over and over again.
I'm on, in, and at America.
Happy 4th of July.
Because I'll always be here for you, USA.