Wow.

Once again, wow.

I cannot believe that person just said that.

Listen, love.

Saying sorry doesn't matter if someone is continuously hurting you again.

'Sorry' is an afterthought.

You, my friend, aren't an afterthought.

End of story.

A Part of That.

I'm not wasting time anymore. I mustmustmustmustmust start applying for music scholarships....but the thing is.....I'm way too picky.

But I like this video for every reason why I shouldn't. This is obviously NOT the tape I sent in, but it's nice to allow people to see my vulnerability.

A 'Ressa' who's makeupless, wears pajamas in the afternoon, and has hair that isn't made up. A girl who can't speak for herself and still doesn't really truly know why she loves to pursue music yet. A person who makes silly faces and talks to herself when she thinks about what to say next. A 'Ressa' with her morning voice. 'Ressa' that doesn't have the 'perfect' timing. A girl that doesn't know her lyrics, ughhhhh!

But the point is....yeah. That's a part of me.

Piano fingers.

"So you think this Bladwin grand piano is nice, huh?"

That was what an old man said to me some 10 or 11 years ago. I probably didn't even know what on earth he meant by 'grand pianos' or what a 'Baldwin' is.

I remembered it like it was yesterday.

I had denim overalls and a striped lavender shirt underneath. My hair had bangs with a bob cut and I was missing a tooth here and there. I was singing 'Oops! I Did it Again' on the way to the H&M musicstore and I was crying before we left the house because I really, reallllly wanted to wear my ruby red slippers (Dorothy/Wizard of Oz style) instead of my pink Nike sneakers.

What I don't remember was why? Why did this old man wanted to talk to me? What made me look at this particular piano from the others?

I remembered how it made me feel.

Looking at this instrument.....gave me goosebumps that warmed my heart and sparkled my eyes.

"Well, kiddo! Don't even try looking at this here masterpiece! It'll never be played by you and your short fingers."

Man. Typing his every word makes me realize how much guts and sass that guy had. & yet, I looked at him back and instantly smiled.

The following week, I had my first piano lesson and his words made my 6 years of piano training existable.

My skill had faded it's charm once highschool started...and it's not that I regret everything I do for choir and musicals...but there's always this emptiness of where my fingers wanted to press. A missing place to sit down and let an inanimate object understand me.

So this fufilled promise to myself has been lost for too long...and it's time to bring it back.

...because I missed you, my dear piano.

One Day

V1:Expecting the world with open doors
having to twist each knob,
revealing all you unexpect
and fufilling the favored job,

I guess that's what people do
and how you live through days,
but I can't be nourished
from such predictable ways,
yet it's all the same

Chorus:
Same life,
same feelings,
same notions,
same meanings,
what can I say to this?
Deep breaths,
simple thoughts,
pure connection,
no directions,
one day it'll all make sense,
one day it'll all make sense......

V2:I'm not trying to find any excuses
to make my heart unagree,
but it seems like the truth
is no where close to finding me,

There's just too much second-guessing
to let me try to decide,
what will it take for me to realize
how much aspirations can provide,
I don't want any lies

Chorus:
Same life,
same feelings,
same notions,
same meanings,
what can I say to this?
Deep breaths,
simple thoughts,
pure connection,
no directions,
one day it'll all make sense,
one day it'll all make sense......

Bridge:
I guess...
there's some growing up to do
to push...
that visible door
and for me...
to tell you
that I'm ready...
to find what I'm looking for

Chorus:
Same life,
same feelings,
same notions,
same meanings,
what can I say to this?
Deep breaths,
simple thoughts,
pure connection,
no directions,
one day it'll all make sense,
one day it'll all make sense...... 2x

Give me time to believe,
it'll all make sense.

Finally finished. :)

Plan A.

Being on the road calls for no pictures this time.

But I was there. My location of Plan A.

I call it Plan A because I would hate to not be accepted in this particular college because I had jinxed myself from raving it all the time. Let's just say it took me 3 plane flights and 5 hours of sleep to finally arrive there.

And at first, I was deathly afraid of Plan A not being what I had imagined it in my head when I was looking at the site, but it was everything I expected it to be.

I was really amazed at the buildings located in the town of Plan A. It's very vintage, authentic, and you look at it with it's history reflected back right at your face. I do admit, I felt ashamed of living my entire life with Texas's civilized and modern places of shopping, amusement parks, and elite restaurants as I looked at the cute, little town I wanted to live. It made me realize how much the kids in this town lived so differently from how I did. The ground, besides it's roads, were adorned with the greenest trees and grass I've ever seen. The town gave several similarities of towns in Texas even as my parents started to make critiques.

"Looks like Huntsville...." my mom claimed.

"Nah, Mom....more like Madisonville!" my brother blurted after.

But I saw it nothing more than it being home.

My dad drove through Plan A's entrance....and I heard a giggle.

"What, Mom?" I questioned.

My mother covered her mouth. "Dawson's football field lookes ten times better than this."

I turned left from the car window.....and she was right. But I noticed the worn out patches of grass from the fields.....and I can tell that Plan A's team probably doesn't shy away from first place whatsoever.

We parked in front of the admission center, and we decided that it would just be best if my mom and I who took it from here.

Again, the buildings amazed me from it's New England style and breathtaking engravements carved from the stairway leading to the door.

I didn't know whether or not to knock first, or just open it without warning; it felt like I was coming inside a house.

I made up my mind and turned the door handle anyway.

A young guy sitting in the office, probably in his early 20's, was sitting upon the chair along with two girls with the same age group both sitting upon a wooden table nearby.

"Is this the place where they have the tour?" I asked.

"I'm sorry....but today...." the guy was beginning to say...

"-it got cancelled?" I assumed. My heart dropped.

"Haha, no.... I'm just joking with you!" he teased. You can tell he was a student from Plan A, and his friendliness caught me off guard.

The girls chimed in with a friendly and welcoming smile. They're most definitely students from the college as well.

Wow. I started to blush from my naiveity.

The guy noticed and handed me a form and pen. "Hey, it's alright. Just fill this out really quick and the tour will start soon."

I filled out the form as the guy found a chair for me to sit in, and the two girls continued their conversation.

Eventually, they asked where I was from.

"Woahhhh, you're from Texas?" the girl in the blue dress asked.

"Yep", I replied.
It sounds so mysterious to say you're from another state, especially when you're alllll the wayyyyy down south. And to arrive where Plan A is located, being from Texas sounds as if you've slayed a dragon to reach here.

"I know this sounds sorta random.....but it it true that people say 'ya'll' there or is it just a rumor?" the girl with the khaki shorts chimed in.

I gave a sweet, loud laugh out of that question.

"Haha, yeah! People in Texas do say...'ya'll'!" I replied back with air quotations.

By my hesitation of saying 'ya'll' at the end of the phrase made all of us laugh together in the small office room.

"Hey, don't worry," the guy assured,"[the girl in the khaki shorts] Shanae always gets asked if people say 'MAN' after everything in Jamaica. She's a international student."

"And it's true, people DO say 'man' alot in Jamaica!" she added.

Soon, we filled the office room with a lighthearted aura about our hometowns, and how our highschools are like.

"You know...you don't have to stay with us and be in our conversation if you're bored...." the guy said after our 30 minute discussion.

"Ehh, it's alright. I don't have anywhere else to go!" I teased. The girls "ooh"ed at my response.

"Haha, I probably deserved that..." the guy muttered,"I gave you a hard time right when you arrived, haha."

As the time reached 1pm, I realized Shanae was my tour guide. And my mom, who waited for me outside, gathered with me and the other kids who signed up for the same tour time as well.

And the tour? It was absolutely impressive. Everything was exactly how I pictured it in my head when I was looking at the campus pictures from my computer screen back home. It was kind of sorta like it was a dream in front of me. The hills and trees surrounding the stoned walkways......the big, HUGE mountain view over the fields where they have statues and monuments in honor of the president of Plan A and significant faculty figures. The flowers planted by the benches and the way the sun bursts light into the dorm windows from it's windowsill. It was everything I wanted. Everything I wanted badly.

"What do you think, Mom?"

"It's good...."

I sorta smiled at myself as I walked ahead of her in the staircase. I considered it a good sign. My mom loves this school, too.

Mmmmm.....what what can I do with you, Plan A? 8,ooo people apply to you every year trying to make it.....and only 350 people do.

I wish Plan A came with directions.

Songs in my head.

I'm not so afraid anymore. I'm going to try and write a song again.

It's actually pretty easier now than my first attempt:

Expecting the world with open doors

having to twist each knob,

revealing all you unexpect

and fufilling the favored job,

I guess that's what people do

and how you live through days,

but I can't be nourished

from such predictable ways,

yet it's all the same

Same life,

same feelings,

same notions,

same meanings,

what can I say to this?

Deep breaths,

simple thoughts,

pure connection,

no directions,

one day it'll all make sense,

one day it'll all make sense......

It sounds like a good start to me.

Nothing mattered.

So I was going to write a happy-sort of blog about the future today......until my past hit me. & the smile I wore faded when my parents bursted the news about my report card today.

CRAP.

My end of year grades.....the only column that mattered to my parents........weren't so good.

My first year to have A's & B's in my end of year grade since...like, 2nd/3rd grade.

& it just killed me.

AND I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING,' Wow....big whoop! I get those grades alllll the time!'

Honey........I want to go out-of-state.

& I can't with my average-y grades.

This all happened after 6 1/2 hours of volunteer work at my church's bazarr, and seeing old friends from school.

& the good times just completely got shot down in 2 minutes of me looking at the stupid piece of papers with letters on it.

UGH.

And my parents......are so disappointed.

I don't blame them. Sometimes I feel like I'm setting myself up for total failure. I think about it......and man. It's gonna be hard for me to get in a college in Massachusettes.....or Ohio......or Minnesota. & my academics......aren't totally awesome. But my activities are spectacular......musically. I'm not really all-rounded now that I think of it.

I'm probably gonna end up in U of H....NO OFFENSE TO PEOPLE WHO GO THERE. I'm just noting the fact that I'm probably not gonna have a full ride or scholarship to pay my tuitions even if I'm accepted to an easy college-accepting school like people who usually go to the U of H. I'm just going to waste money applying and expecting to get rejected over and over again.

UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

This negativity is just the climax of all negativity.

Ressa.....junior year is the most important.

& the hardest! Which is what my grades show.

Ressa....I knew you weren't studying enough!

Because of the fact I'm too involved in my after-school activites.

Well...what's the use of being in these activities if they're distracting you!

They're not. I want to be a part of it.

Your priorities are screwed up.

Thanks Mom and Dad.

Did I mention my award for the Leadership Academy of excellence? My prize money for being one of the grand prize winners in the Filipino American Superstar singing competition? Being a Junior Catholic Daughter of America officer? Having the highest rank for my UIL Solo Ensomble singing competition?

My parents don't think twice about these things. I'm just the bad daughter once again. I can't fix anything now.

5 thing to get in an asian market.

So you're coming inside to an oriental market and see all the bright lanterns and colors right at your face. There's bunch of asian families that have a month supply of food in their carts and you're thinking to yourself, 'WHAT AM I DOING HERE?!'. Again, this is MY opinion, but you should definitely go try these products if you happen to 'just be there'. :)

1. Rose Green Tea: God, this is the reason why I started drinking tea when I was little. It might be a bold choice for people who just drink the 'normal' stuff, but it might actually be good for people who like their tea with a mild flavor. It does have an exotic sort of taste, but it definitely gives you relaxation and also boosts your health. It's hard for me to describe it since I've been drinking it for so long, but I would also say that it's more sweeter rather than bitter. :) Again, if you think about it, it's just green tea with flowers. WHO DOESN'T LIKE FLOWERS?! 2. Mini Croissants/pastries in general: Man oh man, the little delicates of heaven bring me joy in my life. What I like about the croissants is that they're not buttered, because what do I usually add to my croissants?! Butter. I just think that Kroger, Randalls, and Target have defeated the purpose of me putting butter in my pastries when they have 'buttered' it already (if that made any sense). Plus, they're not manufactured and such. You could watch the bakers seriously cook your bread right in front of you, and you'll recieve it fresh and warm. & knowing the fact that they have made it especially for you makes me absolutely love their bakery even more. :)
   
   3. Butterfly Cookies: Hfiaoh;gnoa9ug04j4&(63yq9n! I LOVE BUTTERFLY COOKIES! This is all very nostalgic to me, but these cookies have brought a good impact to my life in my childhood years. I will warn you, it's sorta plain tasting. It's pretty much dough with light sugar sprinkled on top. I usually crunch it and add it to my ice cream, brownies, or put fruit on top with whipped cream. They are usually really big, but I bought the mini ones instead. You can say it brought the creative side of me as a kiddo.
   
   4. Snow Pea Crisps: This is a newly founded love of mine. I would sometimes eat a package during school in the mornings, and people would stare at me all weird and say," So......you're eating a vegetable......that's in chip-form?" Haha, yes. Yes I am. & the best thing is, they don't even taste like a vegetable. My friends would try one and described it as eating plain cereal. They eventually accepted my love for these chips and all is well and good. My mom says it's REALLY good when you add it in salads instead of croutons. I never personally tried it because I'm not really a salad-eater, but I imagine that it's realllllly good.
   
   5. Kawaii Cookies: So I bought the helly kitty strawberry flavored ones in this pic, but you can totally get the plain ones as well. The cookies are adorable! It's probably a little smaller than a size of a dime, which makes it more fun to eat. It's very powdery and it easily melts into your mouth. It's been a quiet obssession of mine for a while, and again.....it's just so adorable! :)

Just keep these food products in mind when you're grocery shopping in Viet-Cong/ Hong Kong Food Market. :) Let me know what you think!

Take time...

to realize.

Not my best, but I tried.

God, I'm such a cry baby.

I swear, this is gonna be the LAST time I'm posting a blog about saying goodbye. For realz. I'll visit happyland soon! :)

Class of 2010.

Dearest Class of 2010,

I'm not gonna lie. It's alot easier for me to say goodbye to you now compared to 2 weeks ago. I hope you don't considered that offensive or anything.....I took it as a good thing. I didn't want to be too teary-eyed and not say all the things I wanted to say.

Let me first start off by saying how MUCH I'll miss you. Because I REALLY will. & you are all probably tired of hearing everybody saying that, so I'll leave it at that.

I will say that you were really nice to us Class of 2011-ers. We had built our school's reputation and made an unbreakable bond that's uncomparable from other classes. It was just our classes that even BEGAN our school. period.

& even looking back at 3 school years from now......I felt so young back then. How did we come this far?

I'm always looking up to you.......emotionally.......and literally. You've inspired me. & at the same time I felt like I've walked into many people's lives and became a part of their family. I had gained hundreds of older brothers and sisters from the past 3 years, and it's nice to think back at all the moments we've shared, haha.

& I probably owe my whole life to you. You've been saving my hiney for everything. Not to mention, driving me back home from school and helping me with my homework. You've also saved me from insanity. & you were right about almost everything I needed to know about my teachers and classes when school starts every August. You constantly remind me about the 'whole picture' when I obsess over the little details.

At the same time, I felt like such an enormous amount of agony from you guys. I mean, seriously........I would even try to hide away from a short asian girl who freakishly happy all the time if I was a senior. & I halfway notice when I'm unintentionally bothering you from stuff you SHOULD be focusing on more. & maybe you're reading this thinking 'YOU?! Never!!!', but c'mon now. I'm nice, not stupid. & I'm not holding anything against you from that. Everyone's flaw is being an annoyance. In this case, I'm sorry that I was distracting. But even so, you had accepted me and all the happiness I have.

I was INCREDIBLY intimidated when I started highschool with you guys! But that was only the first week of school until I realized how extremely down to earth you all were. My friend's older siblings would say how extremely amazing you all were as a freshmen class all-around, and I got too afraid to even speak to you guys until you all decided to talk to me first. & I'm flattered you all referred to me by my first name rather than being labeled as a 'freshman'. & I was always protected from you by just about anything. I was even more flattered when you referred to me beyond my name when you've greeted me to others as a 'little sister to me' later on in the years.

Sooner or later, you'd start to know me better than myself. There were times I would settle for the easy path when you would make me realize how much I deserved better. & how much I worry about everything these days........you would make me return back to reality.

You witnessed me being a nun, a giftbox, a flapper every once in a while, an ol' time celebrity, a tap dancer, and being silly girl #2. :) You have all the facts to blackmail me whenever you want!!! But the feeling's mutual, so we just laugh about it afterwards instead. & I trust you guys way too much to ever do something like that. Then again, you know I don't get angry easily, so it wouldn't even be fun to pull a prank on me anyway.

I would say you understand me more than any of the other classes, and the reasons why are all the stuff I rambled above.

So, of course that one big question is to ask," So where does it go from here?" From your big step into your new life to my life without you.

[I'm dedicating this space for all the things you're thinking about right now to be placed in here.]

How long will it take for us to meet again? When will we start drifting from friend to acquaintance? What would we say to each other after 8 or so years? Questions like that seemed too overwhelming to answer last fall, but seem even more overwhelming now that this is the final day to say goodbye temporarily or permanantly. Because I don't want to think about forgetting people who became a big part of me.

Maybe when I'm going off to college, I'll realize how stupid I am for even thinking crazy thoughts like this.

It's just that..........you really shouldn't tell me that visiting me again would make me feel better. Because it won't be the same. & we'll eventally change.......probably look different.....and become older and older until we can't walk anymore. 'Visiting me' is just the start of all of that. & in some ways, I'm really excited you will. I want you to show the world how unbelieveably extraordinary you are, just the way I see in you guys everyday. I want to know that there's someone who would make changes in this world for the better, and I can't picture people more perfect for the job than the Class of 2010 when I'm finishing up on getting my diploma.

& as I become a senior, I hope I make you proud.

Eventually, my fingers are going to be chopped off from typing so fast........so if there's one thing I want to say that means the most out of everything I typed about...it's this: Just know that as you go on and continue your lives.....you changed a girl back in highschool who'll never be the same because of you. For the better, of course. ;)

Congrats, Class of 2010. Just so you know, I don't like saying goodbyes. So hello to being a freshmen once again! :P

With all love,

Ressa