2009.

Dear 2009 Ressa,

You're a good girl. You really are a good girl. And I'm proud that you have stayed true to yourself and that you haven't changed for anyone except to become a better you. & it's good that you don't even realize how important you are to some people. Thinking about it too much won't do you any good. Instead, you show people you care. Not alot of people in this world do that, and I'm sure you've been noticed more than you think you do for it. But that's the way you like it. I'm mostly proud of what you will never do. Like how you say no to drugs, violence, and "risking" yourself into becoming a teenage mom. Maybe people think you're too naive, innocent, and a "softy" for your age, but I think you're a whole lot more powerful to be this way for this long in your life. And a lot more courageous for avoiding situations that won't let you stay that way. You know yourself very well. Also, you know people very well. You know them enough to not care about what's wrong and right. You care about them. Not alot of people have figured that out yet, but that's okay, they'll realize that when the time is right. But for now, this is the way it's gonna be. For the most part, 2009 has done you good. Hence the key word: mostly. I know, Ressa. I know you're gonna be upset. There's gonna always be something that a person wishes he/she did or feels stupid doing. There's always gonna be more chances. There will always be failures and disappointments. And I feel like you're way too hard on yourself. And you tend to overhear others who say that. You know you do. I wish you could believe in what others say sometimes, or give them the acknowledgement of you listening to them. You just change the topic and say something funny. And they'll follow on and forget what they said. It's okay for now. But I think you'll meet someone who won't buy it and will wait for an answer, and you won't be ready. I hope you'll figure it all out by then. But right now, you only understand. That's probably a good step. Just know that there are people who look up to you. Please know that. Remember that. But I'm sure you have many things to consider right now. You have a lifetime to fufill it. I'm waiting for you to start in 2010. You ended this year on a cliffhanger, nothing to really seek for in the beginning either. But I think you know what you want now, Ressa. I think you're ready for anything that lies ahead in life. Just know that the 1993-2008 Ressa's thank you. Can't wait to see you soon.

With love,

2010 Ressa

Is there something else you want to know about me? I'll answer anything honestly. I don't have to know you well either. It can be silly, random, or as personal as you want it to be. You will be anonymous. I just feel like making something like this in order to start off the year right by reaching out to others. Feel free to ask as much as you want!

http://www.formspring.me/ressaheartsyou

Thank you.

I know that everyone doesn't know who I'm talking about, but I think it's best that I express how much you meant to me in this particular occasion of the season. Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful for everyone who has walked in and out of my life, but I don't think I have formally stated how much I have dearly loved this special person. Deaths have come here and there, but yours has truly knocked me out. I didn't expect it...and you warned me. I thought you were just saying things.
I was completely living miserably and difficultly when I found out. I locked myself inside my room for a good amount of time until I had to drag myself to the bathroom. & when I went to the bathroom, I would hear the echo of my sobs bouncing in between the walls I limited myself in. I hated that you were gone, and I didn't want you to leave. Not at all.
I would say you were one of the most influential people of my life. I don't think I could've enjoyed life as great as I can without you showing me. & you taught me the basis of everything I needed to know about this world. You have crafted me to be a person that this world can be proud of. I was just really lucky that I had you.
What I remember most wasn't really anything specific. That's really weird for me to say. What I do remember was how I felt when I was with you, which is a mingle of serenity that I won't feel again. I only felt that way with you. I don't ever remember being mad at you, but if I did, it was for the stupidest reasons, and it was a good thing you knew that. You're never mad at me. I don't think you could if you tried. That was just how vast you loved me. I know that now.
I was glad I got the chance to see you every few summers or so when I visited the Philippines. You may have lost weight, and it's probably hard for you to walk, but you loved me just as much as you did since I last saw you. If not, more. & I knew you had to hold yourself from crying when I had to leave every time to return back home, but you were so good at being firm from emotions. Or maybe you're just firm in public. You had to be that way for everyone. Because past everyone's tears, there must be some solid formailty of saying goodbye. I think I'm like that as well. I must've learned that from you. And I'm taking it as a good thing.
But what I always wondered from you was how? How could you possibly love so much? I still can't figure that out.
So here I am. I'm continuing to live life. Living from what you've given me and going on to find a way to make myself as complete as I try to become. It's just that it's hard. It's really hard. And I can't help but keep seeing you sometimes from a faint distance of what the atmosphere makes it be. I believe it's actually you sent from heaven to see how I'm doing. Or maybe it's a little angel watching me from up above for you.
I could go on and on about you. But I think its best to leave it out. I think that coping with death isn't about talking about it, but to live life in a reflection of what they have done for you. I hope I make you proud.
What I wish I could've done? I really wanted to say that I love you one last time. The memories we shared are attained to its highest relevence. I don't regret. But I know you would never forget your granddaughter loving you. But I just thought it was my turn to say it first before you left. But it's alright. It's no one's fault. Life must end at some point. & from what I know, you've ended it with absolute tranquility.
So Lolo, this is me making up for the lost words that weren't spoken. This is me giving myself another chance.

I love you.

Between.

The best thing about life is not when your eyes are open. It's not when you've fallen asleep. It's when you've suddenly closed your eyes before you dream. You've given yourself time to physically rest while you're still mentally conscious enough to think. You probably think about your day and how you wish you had done something or regret what happened within the moments acted upon your daily routine. You feel free from everything and anything, and yet, all you're doing is staying put in one place. You don't move, you don't speak. You can't hurt others. (Yes, even serial killers sleep.) & you can't help others either. But maybe that's for their own good. You're flirting near death, but you know that you'll wake up the next day. How? You just know. And you can't wait to sleep. Everyone likes to sleep. & you will sleep. But then you'll wake up. You don't open your eyes just yet, but you're conscious enough to know that yes, you're you, and that you have another day to fulfill. You're still lying in the same position you've left off when you were about to sleep, but then, you just don't seem to want to stay anymore. Your body is completely numb, and your hair kisses the tips of your fingers. You feel the sun rays warming you through your window, and the sound of your blanket crinking around your feet make you feel like opening your eyes. You stretch from the position you have slept and you yawn to create the sound of satisfaction on which you slumber. Then, you slide your head across your pillow and make the tingle from the chilly sheets softly touch your refreshing face as you check the alarm clock. You suddenly remember everything. You refresh your memory on what makes you happy or sad. You call to mind what you said, what you did, and what you must do. Your opinions and facts start to recollect. Your mind fills you up with such great awareness that you do make yourself have the ability to get up. You don't question this power within yourself. You just do. Before you know it, you're already figuring out what to do with yourself and think about someone's, something's, and somewhere's. Then, you stop. You're standing in front of the mirror of your bathroom. And there you are. You're looking at yourself. But you don't seem to consider yourself anymore important than the used up toothpaste you had spittled down the sink. You're reviving your day with no repeats. New actions, new words spoken. And at the end of the day, you just can't wait to sleep. You're living like this all your life, and you're not alone. & this thought makes me wonder...that there has got to be something more to life. More to live and more to sleep. Maybe God is trying to communicate with me between the state of my senses. Everything to life is in between.

I'll say so.

I wonder every day if I'm doing too much. Or if everything I had done has made something or anything different. Maybe I'm thinking little of myself, and I just dream too big. You'll probably forget everything I've worked for to make sure you won't ever say no. I'll probably forget how important it is, and just go. This is sorta what I hate about results. I'll never know. I'm not hearing what you're thinking. I'm not seeing what needs to happen. I can't possibly do this all on my own. I'm tired of asking for help. Everything, anything, something hurts. Why? Because I don't think that a single thing I'm doing right now will matter to me in a million years. I mean that with all my heart. Because I won't care how you conjugate poder in past tense. I won't care about vectors. They're like mood-swinging pregnant women. SOHCAHTOA your mom. It'll never mean anything to me in the long run. Sorry. So, I'm here. And there. I'll find somewhere to go. There's nothing to worry. Toodihloo.

Take us where you want us to go.

Let me tell you something. This is my favorite time of the year. The fact that Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas are holidays that are back to back from each other makes years fly. My brother and I would joke when we were little about how they are totally controversial. "Okay.....so you scare people, then you thank them, and then you buy them a gift. WHAAA?!" But you can't just NOT celebrate, so we follow where the holidays change us, bringing us closer, and making us have a warm, fuzzy feeling even when it's cold outside. What I see lately is the total opposite these past years. I barely hear trick-or-treaters knocking on my door, people refusing to see their family during Thanksgiving, and less strangers saying "Merry Christmas" when I walk across them. There's less people donating money for the unfortunate. There's less people merry. There's more people shaking their head no. They're too mature for it. I see them as being afraid. You just can't imagine yourself wearing gobs of makeup, cooking the turkey, or caroling around town, don't you? I don't know how someone can just instantly be apprehensive about it just because you're one year older, or you've gone through puberty. Whooo......hiphiphooray. But listen, take the chance. If you feel like a fool, so be it. If you don't, you're not celebrating hard enough. It's time to embrace the chase of time. And if people tease you, don't worry. They're lightyears behind you. I'm not saying to spend tons of money or stress about it, but just take October, November, and December to its advantage and cradle it in your arms. Why? Because you deserve it. If you let it all go away, you're limiting yourself into ridiculous standards that you've made up for yourself. You're playing this game with yourself that's uncalled for. Just take a break. Pause the game. And as for people who can't enjoy the holidays because of financial issues, listen. Enjoy the jubilee as normally as you can. If celebration's what you want, everything will find its way, leading it to what you always wanted. Trust me, you're bigger than life. I think people forget to remind each other that. Look at the chilly clouds above and ask this season to guide you where they want you to go. Try.

That's it.

There are days when you suddenly realize that everything you are is nothing that made you wrong at all. In fact, it's what made you more normal than before, which makes you achieve something totally unexpected. And today was one of those days. If I had only known that my life was going to be this accomplishing at this very moment, I wouldn't have been such a worried little goofball from the beginning. But justtttt wait- next week I'll probably type about how much my life sucks. So I'm just going to bite my tongue for awhile, okay? ;) & I probably wouldn't have been so successful if it weren't for being the worried little goofball that I always am. But I guess I'm alright. I guess this is some uplifted awakening to my deprived body. I guess this is the sign I was looking for all these weeks. I guess I should just stop returning to the starting point and keep walking from where I left off. This is a surprisingly good day. Thank you, God. There's nothing much to say now. That's it.

Nope. Nada.

I'm not dumb. I make mistakes. And yes, sometimes I KNOW I am making mistakes, but I still do it anyways. But that doesn't have any relevance to being dumb. Nope. Nada. So why does it feel like I'm trying too hard to prove to everyone that I'm whatever the hooplah I idealistically need to be?You're no fun. I don't want to play anymore tricks. No more games in my little head wondering if I can handle 4 hours of sleep. Nope. Nada. If there's one thing I learned from the past 6 weeks, it's this: I deserve better. Sure, I don't mind letting kiddos borrow my pencil, and sure, I don't mind it when you just want someone to listen. I'll always be there for you. It just seems like I'm not human these days, and as of right now, I'm guiding myself on how to breathe again. And I'm sorry if you've been thinking less of me. I'm not doing a very good job at being me. Trust me, it's been hurting every single day that I'm living to accept it. But I don't want to. And please don't read this thinking I've gone madly depressed, which is not the case. Feeling bipolar? Maybe. I just want to make this clear. This is my self-note. This marks the date where this grand declaration takes action. I'm done. So don't even try. Nope. Nada.

Let me come.

I don't wanna be this way. If there's anything I want right now, I need a sign. A HUGE undeniable sign that tells me that everything will be okay. Because not only am I scared, but I'm scared of being scared. Don't ask why I am, I just feel like it's better not to question this sort of notion. Plus, it takes less time for me to worry, yet, that's what I tend to do best. Maybe I'm blind by this sort of depressing wave of yuck, and that I'm actually right where I'm suppose to be. It's not like I need to go anywhere. I'll have company, and I'll return back from where I'll leave. It has been this way my whole life. It's what I've known all these years. Returning from where I've left my mark is what I've been told to do. & it's not like I'm not good at taking a step back. By all means, I'm in no rush at all. I'll wait right here. But please, tell me if I'm wrong. Tell me if I'm in your way, or if I don't know the difference between my left or right. I just feel like I'm forgetting something. I'll stay behind. & I'll catch up someday. I just think that maybe this direction isn't the only path. It shouldn't. So would it be a mistake to take a different trail? Maybe it's best if I walk in my own steps. If I see you again, please, don't go away. I know that everything won't be the same. It's like this place is all grown up. & soon, it'll give me permission to see the other side. I'm looking its way. I'm coming. Let me see. Let me go. Let me be.

you're like an old song.

There's a point in your life where you ran out of excuses. You just want to sit in the sidelines and take a good glance at what's around, but then you're suddenly put on the spotlight and you just have to go with what you got. You have done this process countless times; some were successful, and some were times when you learned from it. You're tired, but you won't give in. It's a satisfying finish line, but not a pleasant journey. You want to have a break from the race and stop by Taco Bell. Yet, you don't like Taco Bell. You're in the mood for sushi. & I'm stating a horrible "for instance" situation that makes no sense. Sorry, I have a rusty imagination. But anyway, you're just like everyone else, so you need something special about yourself. You can't help but be proud. You want to be the best you can be, which is a common goal of the human mind. You're in a hungry need for inspiration. You're looking for it in the wrong places. You seem to feel troubled, but you keep searching. You suddenly realize why you wanted to start that race in the beginning. You lose your mind, and started taking risks. You're losing yourself, but you don't seem to break a sweat. You didn't really know who you were your whole life. You're scared. Yet, you run with it. This scenario is allll very complicated, jaded, but unknown every time it takes its course. What do you do? You keep spinning in circles. You keep wearing the same red sweater from last winter. You like to make up stories and keep secrets. You feel like blah. You forget why you're special. You consider about your past and drew a blank on why you said things that meant a lot to you in those moments. You prepare for the future. It's approaching. Nothing matters anymore. You keep spinning. The sensation awakens you, and suddenly, it doesn't. You're like everyone else. You're suppose to feel this way. You're like an old song. Your voice is your compass. The world is handing you the mic. & this, this is what makes you sing. This is my neverending circumstance.

It's just like that.

Well, this is how it goes.

Like all humans, we live in time. & in certain times, you have either good or bad. I'm sorta crossing the line into having bad times at this moment, but let's make this good timing to say what I want to say: thanks. Thank you for reading this. I don't think I'll ever mention this blog to a soul, but I appreciate your generous attention. Because of that, I promise to try my best to be honest to myself and keep my thoughts as genuine as possible. Plus, it's about time I make a blog and ACTUALLY keep up with it. & I feel this burning fire in me to type a GAZILLION things on my head already, but I'm sorta resisting the urge for this first post. I just want to start this with the right intentions. This is not about some teenage girl who's spoiled rich, does drugs, and likes "getting it on" every Saturday night. I'm actually THE good girl of your dreams. Yesiree, I still say "please" and "thank you" for everything. I take it as a huge accomplishment. Oh, and I like to smile. ALOT. Which is such a shame, because you can't see it when you're staring at the computer screen. I eat, breathe, sleep, and recycle. I never broke a bone. I never had the chicken pox. The closest thing I had to drinking an alcoholic beverage was a virgin margarita. I never attempted to skinny dip or get a tattoo. The only piercings I have are the one hole on each ear. I like to please and hate to disappoint. My goal is to make people cry......from laughter. I always have perfect attendance at school. I like being a good girl. & I'll make sure I am your good friend. Let's have a good time.