It was all because of a manila envelope that made me have a change of heart, starting from this past Saturday night. I wasn't expecting to recieve parent letters, along with notes from friends and relatives in my confirmation retreat. All of us were called to find our chaperone in order to recieve them, and I had a slight doubt that I would have one and that my parents might've forgot. But I was later impressed, seeing my name in one, bulky envelope package upon my group leader's hands. I didn't realize how well my mom and dad could keep a secret.I didn't even know what it was for, but I ended up crying as I was holding it anyway.
People were starting to walk off and find a place to read their envelopes, and I found myself sitting with 12 other kids inside a room, yet detached myself from the group and sat alone in the corner instead.
I didn't realize how much I've done in my life. Nor do I constantly remember how much it took for my mom to make me alive before birth.
I tend to lose the thought of how much I'm such a blessing to my parents rather than a burden.
There's more to the letters than just that, but for personal reasons, it's best to just say that I'm not so lost. I was just spinning myself in circles towards the right direction.
When people try to 'reinvent' themselves, they opt to be more positive, caring, and encouraging. In my case, I wanted to make myself be more realistic, to still maintain positivity, but be more honest to myself and not be in such high hopes for every situation I chose to make.
I ended up making myself more miserable then I ever stooped myself down to, and I forgot who I was and who I wanted to be.
Maybe I wanted to change myself because the invisible list of people I admire inside my head have their names crossed-out, one by one, every time I had to wish them to rest in peace.
I felt like it was the right thing to become more like an adult. To put away dreams and goals that I wanted as a kid, and pursue more 'stable' dreams that are easy to get by.
As I was figuring out how to be an adult, I kept forgetting. More and more each day.
'Should I change my favorite color to blue instead of pink?' That sounds more practical. 'Maybe instead of walking outside, I should just stay in and log on to facebook.' That's the more popular choice.
And before I knew it, I thought to myself, 'What on earth am I doing?'
So this all leads to who I was for the majority of my sophomore and junior year of highschool, right up until last week.
Always searching. Always frustrating. Always on the rooftop of a skyscraper that's turned upside down.
I was pretty good at pushing all these concerns away as I step out in public, because I wanted to find a solution in my own matters.
But I kept that pretty problem inside of me and knew that I'll know when the time is right to fix it.
I thought of this as I finished the last letter inside the envelope and cried even more. I realized what I did now.
At first, I was mad at myself. How dare I try to control my future in order to somehow 'throw away' my past....all while I'm being passive in my present!
And then I felt ashamed for pushing my family around to change their plans for me. To drive me places, to rearrange their schedules for all my performances, to make sure I always have breakfast in the morning.
But then, I felt so much love overwhelming me. How they always say 'yes' to come watch me sing at whereever for whatever. & how much people look up to me and support me, even though I oversee it by always trying to be better than myself. To always brush off compliments and to never truly believe what they say, but smile, nod, and walk away, trying hard to think of more ways becoming even more impressive.
But it was those letters that told me I didn't need to make anymore suprises. You'll love me always, no matter what.
I always thought you wanted me to stay with you. That you were happier if I were transformed into your liking.
But now I know that you'll let me go wherever I desire. That you'll always consider my decisions first. I misunderstood you for so long because it was hard for both of you to tell me that you'll be okay with saying goodbye. That you'll hope to see me come back when I please, but mostly, to wish I will come back.
I'm sorry I said multiple times I never will. But noneoftheless, my heart always told me I would no matter how hard I tried to resist it.
This entire discovery completely baffles me. That it wasn't up to me to make more choices than I should. It wasn't about trying to "grow up" that made me become more like a grown up. It was all from being blessed with what I always had all along.
I would always pray to God every night to help me figure out what I needed to do with myself.
& God answered my question for the most part.
It was all from a manila envelope filled with love.
I can only grow from here.
