Ressa should feel lucky. School got cancelled today and she got to sleep in until noon. All the tests must now be postponed until Monday, which means three days of studying than she normally would. Thursday and Friday performances got rescheduled until Saturday and Sunday, which means two extra days of still getting three more chances to perform on stage.
It seems like God is doing me a favor of some sort, like he's trying to let me take a break by giving me a snowy storm that never came. While people say how much the weather "sucks" as they openly express their disappointment on facebook statuses, I, on the other hand, felt the urge to post a new blog post, feeling pretty gracious of the man upstairs making time pause at the present.
When was the last time I updated this anyway? I feel pretty bad for neglecting this during Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, my birthday, etc., but looking back at how I feel from now and then, it hasn't really changed.
I felt thankful at Thanksgiving, blessed at Chirstmas, hopeful in New Years, and those three feelings combined in love as I turned 18.
As I sit here typing about my past and present, there's never a day that I long for my future....which leads to why I'm glad school got cancelled today in the first place. One, I'm still waiting around for college to creep inside my head. The more time passes by, the more I feel out of place. No college accepted me yet. No college rejected me yet. But then again, no college should notify me about anything yet.....until March that is. After I applied to my 'dream' schools, I realized that those schools weren't as dreamy as I thought they were. Why on earth did I want to go to school in Massachusettes in the first place?! The most exciting thing to go is Walmart if I ever attend there. And pshhhh.....Ohio? Sweetie, that deadline already passed. You knew in your heart that's not where you belong anyway. But no, I don't want to stay. I can't stay. Being in Texas..........is not where I belong either. That's certain, too.
Even staying at home for more than 4 hours in a consious state has been dreadful. I've grown out of the cycle of my parents deciding thing for me, to myself haiting them for making decisions for me, into the moment if my life where they dno't want to decide things for me anymore.....but still feel significant enough to say how much they hate the choices I make instead.
You would think that my parents would've trusted themselves to think they've raised me right, but what bothers me more is that I can never picture them loving me stronger through my mistakes.
And so although I don't want to be accepted to some of the colleges I wanted in the first place, receiving a rejection letter from them would equally crush me.
So bundling up underneath the covers of my bedsheets doesn't bother me as I'm facing the world with a question mark day by day. And no matter how much I make myself become the girl I thought I was, I'm drifting away from myself faster and faster.
Who am I to say I'm great? Or awesome? Or brilliantly special of any sort? How can I place myself in categories of love and hate? Needs and wants? Good or bad? Because people tell me something different everyday.
And I'm tired of it all. I'm sick of trying to 'find' myself and all that stuff. That's so old. Or that whole girlie excuse of "I always smile when really.....I'm sad!!!!! Now love me!!! *teardrop*" Uh, LAME.
(I smile because I am happy, Mr. Whoever invented 6 Billion Secrets.)
I'm just growing up....and it's hard. Period.
And I realize that I'm too smart to be stubborn about it. Or too young to knockout my self-worth.
I deserve to make me feel happier about myself.
I'm daring myself to make these words into action.
