Even I am afraid of gaining happiness sometimes.
It always starts off with staying inside. By trying to prevent harm, I avoid being outside.
I couldn't do that today, as I woke up at 6am in the morning to let my dad drive me all the way to the U of H to take my SATs.
I left the van in a trance of absolute confusion. 'I'm not suppose to be taking this....I'm way to young.'
But this wasn't the case as I showed the lady my school I.D and admission ticket to enter the room.
The lady chuckled at my I.D, and we both shared laughs with each other as she checked off my name on the list.
I forget how ridiculous my school photo i.d was since I was used to looking at the picture of me doing a peace sign with the words 'I love you' across my fingers everyday around my neck. I guess most schools wouldn't let students pose like that in their I.D. 'Nice first impression, Ressa!'
I situated myself with the seat in the front row center.
I looked back at the kids in line as I waited patiently to begin.
All the kids looked like they were 20ish years old, had baggy clothes on, and all shared the generic scent of soap. I don't know what brand, but it's soap: the cheap kind.
And here I was, sitting in the front, wearing nice dark washed jeans & a pink, flowery top with the scent of my body spray to match. My makeupless face gave the youth of a 13 year old, and my feet were adorned with studded straps from my black, fashion-forward gladiator sandals in contrast to my neighbor, who had scuffed-edged white sneakers. Well, actually, it's more like a beige color. But, I think the shoes used to have been white, and I sorta like how it's beige. It gave the stranger personality. 'DANG IT! WHY?! WHY CAN'T I FIT IN?!'
The owner of those sneakers glanced at me looking, and I felt sorta stupid for being caught staring at them. "Nice shirt," he said to me as he was completely oblivious to my fascination of his shoes, and I looked at him in deer headlights. He sorta smiled at me, but I didn't know if it was for sincerity or for sarcasm. 'Play on the safe side. Don't let it lead to conversation.'
"Thanks," I said. & that was our conversation. Once I said it, he winked back at his group of friends as they gave teasing snickers and mini roars. 'Dangit. He's gonna torture me.'
I assumed he was going to add a remark as he returned to face me, but the lady announced that testing has officially begun.
That was all of my "social interaction" from that morning. & it sorta gave me relief; I didn't really wanna know what everyone thought of me when I walked passed them during breaks. 'I feel like a total loser."
At the end of the SATs, I walked out the door as one of the flambouyant girls in my testing room came to holla, "Yo, girl! With the flowers!"
'OH SNAPPPPP. I'M GONNA BE JUMPED.'
"Yes?" I heard myself reply.
"Are you related to a celebrity?"
"No.......?"
"Really, gurllll?! My friends & I were debating whether you looked more like a cross between J-Lo and Brenda Song or Jessica Alba and that girl from High School Musical as we were in our 5 minute breaks."
I just kept giving her the deer in the headlights face; the same one I did for the dude with the sneakers. 'WHAAAAAA?!?! Is this a joke?!'
She seemed ridiculously friendly along with her other friends behind her smiling back. I kept looking at the girl, who in my opinion, has a more dynamic face of a celebrity than I do, and noticed her patience in waiting for my answer.
She was absolutely serious.
I uttered," No wayyyyyy, if I was related to any of them, I wouldn't have to take the SATs to get into college!"
The two of us gave snickers which turned into hysterical laughter from my response. She offered me a high-five as I offered my hand to recieve it. We exchanged brief kind words to each other and said bye as I walked to my dad sitting in the bench.
"Anak, it's time to go to that filipino american competition today at 3."
My dad had been bugging me to try out for it 2 months ago and I agreed only to make him stop asking.
I didn't know it had to be right now. 'Great....this is what I get for being a good daughter."
"Sure Dad," I said. He patted my back as we both walked into the van.
He dragged me all the way to Fiesta. Yeah, that's right. The marketplace with the parrot as their mascot. The competition was in front of the entrance. 'Wow............how filipino."
I filled out the register form as I looked at my competitors looking at me. 'I wonder if they think I look like J-Lo.'
I gave a chuckle to myself from thinking that thought while finishing the form, and suddenly the line of girls gathered together in a tight circle....all taking turns to point at me. 'DUDE, WHY DO PEOPLE LIKE TALKING ABOUT ME TODAY?! WHAT'S THE DEAL?!?!"
Apparently, they all had already auditioned for the judges, and I was quickly given my contestant number and microphone upon entering the stage. I was surround by a live audience all seated with those flippy chairs that fold into a chair. (note: taking the SATs made me dumbify my vocabulary. Sorry.) The three judges all sat right in front of me with a portable table to rest their judge papers.
I sang. & the audience became silent.
I finished. & the audience cheered as I stepped down the stage. A random guy grabbed my arm and told me," Hey, the audience never did that to anyone all day." I briefly smiled at him in gratitude and returned to my father. 'Nahhh.....that can't be true.'
The same group of girls who pointed at me earlier came toward me and told me how great I was, and I said quick thank you's as I walked off to leave with my dad. 'They probably think I sing better than J-Lo.'
It all brought me back to reflect on those first couple of sentences in this blog. But then, I had a day like this. I was afraid of living a life turned into something incredibly wrong when it only turned into more joy out of an experience. This result wouldn't exactly be the same for every person, but it ended up being the result with me.
Maybe, I don't have to be afraid anymore. Because maybe....just maybe, I bring happiness wherever I go.
I'll probably go outside more often. I want to share my happiness.
