What I hate most, more than anything in the world, is letting my mom see me cry.The worst part is, that just happened 3 hours ago.
& I apologize for typing something so emo-y today. I'll type a happier post next time, promise.
But how can someone blame me for not wanting anything to stand in my way? I have the pop show auditions TOMORROW, and I needed to have my mom's credit card in order to buy the instrumental track online.
I thought," No big deal, she's bought karaoke songs from this site PLENTLY times before in Cabaret, Christmas, & last year's Pop Show. & it didn't seem to cause any credit theft. This is a widely known karaoke site that EVERYONE uses. She won't mind at all."
So here I go, walking to the kitchen of where my mom was cooking dinner early.
"Mom, can I have your credit card?"
"Why?"
"I need to buy a karaoke track to the song I'm auditioning tomorrow for the Pop Show."
"What? No."
So here I am, remaining calm but slightly irritated of her rejection to my request.
"Mom....please? It's for TOMORROW."
"What song?"
"One Step at a Time."
"By who?"
"Jordin Sparks."
"Uh-who?"
"JORDIN SPARKS."
So here is where I slightly show my frustration in her insisted bombarded questioning.
"Oh no.....that's not good. No more. I want you to sing something else."
You know, it was cute that my parents were in control of the song choices I sang when I was 3. And I'm EXTREMELY grateful of how they guided me to sing songs about true love, true hope, and true meaning that brought artistry into my voice at such a young age. But this is NOT the achy-breaky-tearyeyed singing show. It's a POP show, that ends the year giving kids a good kick-off to their summer vacation. They don't want to listen to singer-after-singer singing a song about love fading away. & I just don't want to agree to something that will take away the chance of putting me into a label of a 'Debbie Downer" singer just so my parents could be pleased. 'One Step at a Time' gives a positive message about achieving your dreams.....it's the SAME message for 'I Believe I Can Fly'! C'mon, now! & I DO agree to songs my parents want me to sing...eventually. But now that the school is ending....it made me realize how much I NEED to be in control of what songs I chose. Atleast for the Pop Show. I can't long distance my parents every time I'm preparing a performance in college, and I feel like my parents could trust me that I have good taste in music as well. Because honestly, I don't think kids would appreciate listening 'My Heart Will go On'. My parent's taste just doesn't match our generation's taste. NOT that it's a bad thing that they have a different taste. But it's not the most appropriate fit for an occasion such as the event I'm practicing for. You know?
"Mom, you don't understand. I have already agreed to do this song from teachers and peers. I can't find another song in time for tomorrow's audition. Please. Can I use your credit card?"
"I don't like how you always ask for something. I want to listen first."
"I'll let you listen when I actually HAVE the karaoke."
"No!"
UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
"Mom! How can I sing the song to you when I DON'T have the karaoke?! Unless you want to listen to the 15 second karaoke sample on the internet!"
"Yes...."
Although my mom was angry, she actually did a good job in calmly cooking. She always had a knack for multi-tasking.
This was where everything my mom has said was starting to make absolutely no sense. Yes? YES?! Mommy.....do you think that hearing me sing 6 words off of a sampling music would "swoon" your opinion in letting me buy it?! REALLY?! I bet you wouldn't care to listen to the sampling if I decided to sing 'Wind Beneath my Wings'!!!
"Mom.....I don't have time to argue. I have homework to do and I really want to prepare now because my voice won't be so sore for tomorrow if I did do it later today."
"No!"
Mom carefully washed the chopped vegetables in the sink.
There was something about the way my mom said no.....something about the way I didn't like how too much stuff is happening all at once in my life for school to end right.....something about how patience and reasoning and making logical sense didn't seem to connect with my mom's decision IN saying no....something about how I didn't like this conversation AT all.....made me tick.
"MOM! WHAT IS YOUR DEAL?!"
"My deal? You!"
OH MY GOSH. ARE YOU KIDDING ME NOW?!
" Were you just waiting for me to come home just so you can have a person to argue with all day?!"
"I don't like your attitude right now!"
AGAIN. OH MY GOSH. Mom, duh. OF COURSE you wouldn't!
"MOM! Stop trying to control the decisions I make! You don't even give me chance! Don't act like your my vocal coach!"
She chuckles. "I'm NOT trying to be your voice teacher-"
"-Then STOP! I NEED TO USE YOUR CREDIT CARD NOW!"
"Kids these days! So ungrateful to their parents!"
I don't remember what I said to her after that. But I broke down. & I usually don't when I argue, but I can't be any more ashamed of my mom. Did I not do a good job in filling my parents in on what my life is like in highschool? Did I fail as a singer into bringing my full potential down the drain by parents who DON'T GET IT?! Am I the worst daughter in the world because I want my mom to buy me ONE thing?! A karaoke instrumental?! Strictly because of SCHOOL-RELATED BUSINESS?! How....how could my mom possibly conclude that it's all because I'M ungrateful?! I wouldn't ask if I had a job.....but my parents told me that MY job was to focus on school.
Do you understand my frustration?!
It all brought me tears. And I mean, hardcore-crying-out-loud bawling tears.
"Mom......really? Am I THAT horrible of a child? Some girls in my school ask for cars and expensive shoes and custom-made fit clothes and swavorski jewelry! I didn't asked you to buy me ANYTHING BUT a 99-cent song! Kids my age right now are doing bad things! I simply just want a song so I can practice for an audition for my school's pop show! Here! At my house! Trying to find a way to become a better person for doing what I love to do the most!!!!"
I ended up continually crying until I couldn't speak out anything.
My mom's response: "No! Your attitude absolutely sucks! Just STOP IT! NOW! STOP TRYING TO PUSH ME AROUND! I SAID NO AND THAT'S FINAL!"
When I get extremely frustrated, angry, and depressed, I don't act like myself.
I simply walked away, grabbed my mom's purse when she wasn't looking and bought the karaoke anyway.
& I don't regret doing this at all.
And knowing my mom for 17 years, she would forgive me the next day.
But something about practicing the song afterward.....made me feel like a such a hiney-hole.
I remembered about the blog I'd written a few weeks ago about having a change of heart.
Did I kept my promise?
It felt as if I DID, but my parents...didn't kept their word on their part.
Or is it the other way around?
Have I been pushing my parents around lately? When did I!? Yesterday.....my confirmation.....last saturday......my singing competition and SATS........last friday.....driving me to the mall-OHHHH SNAP. My family does revolve their life around me. Crap.
But they didn't seem to complain. & they OFFERED me to get a new dress at the mall. PLUS, they were understanding and very patient with me when they've drove me everywhere. Does my genuine thank you's show enough?
They know I'm preparing for college. They know I have to add more plans in my schedule in order to achieve this goal.
How can they not know how much music means to me? I thought they did. But I guess it takes longer than my current life span to actually let them comprehend.
And I mean.....truly know! I'm not talking about paying for my voice lessons. If any parent thinks that paying for lessons means a complete understanding of a child's devotion to something....anything......they're wrong-er than adding water to acid.
But here I am eating my dinner....and it's pasta with fettucini and assorted vegetables. My mom knows I love all of her pasta dishes. We were arguing all this time, and she still kept on cooking my favorite dish of hers. I don't think I'll ever figure out my mom sometimes.
What do I chose......making my family happy or making myself happy more?
I dont know how to answer that question.
So why make a post about something that went horrible today? Because I am aware about the things going wrong in my life. I'm not asking for pity and advice. I'm not trying to say my life is the absolute worst. But, I do want to share that you aren't alone when dealing with family issues. This arguement may be NOTHING like your fights at home or even with what your dealing with right now. But don't judge by thinking this mini arguement of mine meant nothing to me. & the fact that your family disagreements aren't anything significant either. Just know that I have my faults, too. But I'm happy to know yours and embrace them with my own.
But for today, now 5 hours ago, I have made a mistake.
The tears fallen were proof.
